Tuesday, December 31, 2019

37 Books I've Read in 2019

5,139 words
40 minute read

1.

Genre: Children's > Middle Grade

Disability Representation: Yes (Muscular Dystrophy)

Rating: 3/4 Wheels (Really liked it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  Hello, sixth grade! Mia Lee is a stop-motion filmmaker with a wheelchair and a lot of sass, trying to survive her new middle school. Which doesn’t seem so easy when she’s running for Video Production Club President against certified Middle School Mean Girl, Angela Vanover. Things get weird when Angela starts being nice to her -- well, when other people are around, at least...

What I Thought:  I read this one for the first time in 2017.  (You can find my thoughts on it here.)  And it really does stand the test of time.  So good.  You can always tell when a book comes from an authentic place, versus when it doesn't.  (The main author has the same disability as her main character, and it shows!  Yay, authentic representation!)

2.

Genre: Psychology

Disability Representation: Yes, (generally)

Rating: 1/4 Wheels (It was okay.)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  Running on Empty is the first self-help book about Emotional Neglect: an invisible force from your childhood which you can't see, but may be affecting you profoundly to this day. It is about what didn't happen in your childhood, what wasn't said, and what cannot be remembered.

What I Thought:  I would have given this book a much higher rating, except that one type of neglectful parent was described as the "Parent With a Special Needs Family Member."  It discusses how caregiving toward the typical sibling is compromised unintentionally.  It says that "no category of parent deserves to be in this book less;" that they are "here through no fault of their own."  The implication being that the disabled child is obviously getting emotional support, when that is often not the case.  Getting our medical needs seen to is basic.  It isn't "extra attention."  I learned a lot from this book, but I could not stomach the ableism.

3.

Genre: Nonfiction

Disability Representation: Yes, (various)

Rating: 2/4 Wheels (Liked it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  An inspiring and radical celebration of 70 women, girls, and gender nonbinary people who have changed--and are still changing--the world, from the Civil Rights Movement and Stonewall riots through Black Lives Matter and beyond.

What I Thought:  I'm such a nerd, but I thought it was beyond cool to see Vilissa Thompson and Keah Brown among these powerful women, girls and gender nonbinary people!  I've never read a book like it!

4.

Genre: Disability Fiction

Disability Representation: Yes (various)

Rating: 4/4 Wheels  (Based on GoodReads ratings from others)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  A mysterious boy shows up on his long lost sister's front porch, searching for family and hiding a secret.

What I Thought:  It's hard (and feels a little biased) to give you my thoughts on something I wrote.  But I can tell you that its existence really helps me.  I've always been of the belief that if you can't find what you want in the world (content-wise) create it yourself.  That's what I did here.  (P.S. This is not a published work.  The cover was made by a talented friend.)

5.

Genre: Memoir

Disability Representation: Yes, (MS)

Rating: 4/4 Wheels (Loved it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  In her memoir, a work of deep reflection and mesmerizing storytelling, Michelle Obama invites readers into her world, chronicling the experiences that have shaped her—from her childhood on the South Side of Chicago to her years as an executive balancing the demands of motherhood and work, to her time spent at the world’s most famous address. With unerring honesty and lively wit, she describes her triumphs and her disappointments, both public and private, telling her full story as she has lived it—in her own words and on her own terms. Warm, wise, and revelatory, Becoming is the deeply personal reckoning of a woman of soul and substance who has steadily defied expectations—and whose story inspires us to do the same.

What I Thought:  My favorite thing about this book was the deep respect the family has for each other, and the unwavering respect, kindness and basic decency the whole family had for Michelle Obama's father, regardless of his MS.  He understood his young son's need to figure out how to evacuate him in a fire.  They all adapted seamlessly as a family, and Michelle Obama recognized from a young age that the vehicles her father drove gave him much needed mobility and freedom.

6-7.

Genre:  Fiction

Disability Representation: Yes (C-PTSD, though not explicitly stated)

Rating: 4/4 Wheels.  (Loved it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  On a quiet street in the suburban Midwest, a popular, seemingly stable family keeps a terrible, dark secret behind closed doors -- a secret that will have life-changing consequences for all who know them.

What I Thought:  This is a book I've reread once a year for over a decade.  (This year, I reread it twice, in fact!)  That's because, in my opinion, this book is the best representation I've yet to read on how it feels to grow up traumatized.  I'd recommend this book to anyone whose loved ones have experienced trauma (and caution those of us who have to read with care.)

8.

Genre:  Fantasy

Disability Representation: I guess, technically trauma (though not explicitly stated)

Rating: 3/4 Wheels (Really liked it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  The Triwizard Tournament is to be held at Hogwarts. Only wizards who are over seventeen are allowed to enter - but that doesn't stop Harry dreaming that he will win the competition. Then at Halloween, when the Goblet of Fire makes its selection, Harry is amazed to find his name is one of those that the magical cup picks out. He will face death-defying tasks, dragons and Dark wizards, but with the help of his best friends, Ron and Hermione, he might just make it through - alive!

What I Thought:  I really liked this one!  The challenges were engaging and interesting and I really liked trying to figure out what the different clues meant.  The actual Triwizard Cup didn't disappoint (and the end was truly shocking!)

9.

Genre: Young Adult

Disability Representation: Yes, (trauma)

Rating: 3/4 Wheels (Really liked it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before is the story of Lara Jean, who has never openly admitted her crushes, but instead wrote each boy a letter about how she felt, sealed it, and hid it in a box under her bed.

What I Thought:  I picked up the book after really enjoying the Netflix film! This book is pitched as a romance between Lara Jean and her classmate, Peter, who consensually agree to a fake relationship to make his ex jealous and to help Lara Jean deal with the fact that four other boys (including Peter) have mysteriously received her private love letters to them.  I found that I really enjoyed the familial aspect of the book - specifically the relationship Lara Jean has with her sisters, Margot and Kitty.

10.

Genre: Fantasy

Disability Representation: Yes (trauma)

Rating: 2/4 Wheels (Liked it)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  Harry Potter is due to start his fifth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. His best friends Ron and Hermione have been very secretive all summer and he is desperate to get back to school and find out what has been going on. However, what Harry discovers is far more devastating than he could ever have expected...

What I Thought:  This was the book where I seriously began to question all of the adults, even the "safe" ones and their motives.  I started to dislike the disability representation more in this book.  I didn't feel that a lot of what happened was necessary, but I still liked it.  (The tabloid vs. underground news publications were fascinating.)

11.


Genre:  Young Adult

Disability Representation: Yes, (trauma)

Rating: 1/4 Wheels (It was okay)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  Justyce McAllister is top of his class and set for the Ivy League—but none of that matters to the police officer who just put him in handcuffs. And despite leaving his rough neighborhood behind, he can't escape the scorn of his former peers or the ridicule of his new classmates. Justyce looks to the teachings of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. for answers. But do they hold up anymore? He starts a journal to Dr. King to find out.

What I Thought:  I found it difficult to get into this one because the narrative voice was hard to believe.  (The author is female - her protagonist is male - but it felt inauthentic.)

12.

Genre: Historical Fiction

Disability Representation: Yes (trauma)

Rating: 3/4 Wheels (Really liked it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  Memphis, 1939. Twelve-year-old Rill Foss and her four younger siblings live a magical life aboard their family’s Mississippi River shantyboat. But when their father must rush their mother to the hospital one stormy night, Rill is left in charge—until strangers arrive in force. Wrenched from all that is familiar and thrown into a Tennessee Children’s Home Society orphanage, the Foss children are assured that they will soon be returned to their parents—but they quickly realize the dark truth. At the mercy of the facility’s cruel director, Rill fights to keep her sisters and brother together in a world of danger and uncertainty.

What I Thought:  It took me a while to come around to this book.  (Tara read it before I did, and recommended it.)  I'm glad I read it. I learned about a part of history I didn't know.

13.

Genre: Fantasy

Disability Representation: Yes, (trauma)

Rating: 1/4 Wheels (It was okay.)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  When Dumbledore arrives at Privet Drive one summer night to collect Harry Potter, his wand hand is blackened and shriveled, but he does not reveal why. Secrets and suspicion are spreading through the wizarding world, and Hogwarts itself is not safe. Harry is convinced that Malfoy bears the Dark Mark: there is a Death Eater amongst them. Harry will need powerful magic and true friends as he explores Voldemort's darkest secrets, and Dumbledore prepares him to face his destiny.

What I Thought:  I really couldn't with all of the adults and the overabundance of responsibility on Harry's shoulders.  How Harry was left with the Dursleys by Dumbledore even when Dumbledore knew how abusive they were.  How Harry has been primed to do all of this stuff that should be an adult's responsibility, and the wheels being set into motion to that end without Harry even fully realizing it.

14.

Genre: Memoir

Disability Representation: Yes (trauma)

Rating: 3/4 Wheels (Really liked it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  Brooke Nolan is a battered child who makes an anonymous phone call about the escalating brutality in her home.  When social services jeopardize her safety condemning her to keep her father’s secret, it’s a glass of spilled milk at the dinner table that forces her to speak about the cruelty she’s been hiding. In her pursuit for safety and justice Brooke battles a broken system that pushes to keep her father in the home.

What I Thought: This was the very first time that I've read a book that so closely mirrored my life, growing up.  (Though fictionalized, the events in Spilled Milk are real, depicting the author's abusive childhood.)  It was the first time I've seen represented the way the author's home is not where they feel implicitly safe and loved, but instead were ignored, sometimes assaulted, and sometimes lived in fear of being killed.  (A place where you hold your breath and / or clean frantically to avoid the worst happening.)  I really related to this.


15.

Genre: Memoir

Disability Representation: Yes (various)

Rating: 1/4 Wheels (It was okay)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  Tara Westover was 17 the first time she set foot in a classroom. Born to survivalists in the mountains of Idaho, she prepared for the end of the world by stockpiling home-canned peaches and sleeping with her "head-for-the-hills bag". In the summer she stewed herbs for her mother, a midwife and healer, and in the winter she salvaged in her father's junkyard.

What I Thought: I know this one is a bestseller, but I'll be honest:  I didn't love it.  There was a lot of brutality here and not a lot about the author's emotional journey.  In fact, to use Tara's words - my sister, not the author - the book felt quite emotionally void to me.

16.

Genre: Young Adult

Disability Representation: Yes (trauma)

Rating: 4/4 Wheels (Loved it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  Sixteen-year-old Starr Carter moves between two worlds: the poor neighborhood where she lives and the fancy suburban prep school she attends. The uneasy balance between these worlds is shattered when Starr witnesses the fatal shooting of her childhood best friend Khalil at the hands of a police officer. Khalil was unarmed.

What I Thought:  I love this book.  I read it for the first time last year, and I still love it.  Such a deep, layered look at the impact of police brutality on Black children.  A must-read.

17.

Genre: Fiction

Disability Representation: Yes (physical and emotional trauma)

Rating: 4/4 Wheels (Loved it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  In her blazingly original and unforgettable debut novel Any Man, Amber Tamblyn brings to startling life a specter of sexual violence in the shadowy form of Maude, a serial female rapist who preys on men.

What I Thought:  First read this last year (accompanied by the audiobook which is read by the talented Amber Tamblyn, Russ Tamblyn and Jason Ritter, among others.)  Definitely recommend both!

18.

Genre: Young Adult

Disability Representation: Yes (lots of elderly folx in a nursing home)

Rating: 3/4 Wheels (Really liked it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  Lara Jean didn’t expect to really fall for Peter.  She and Peter were just pretending. Except suddenly they weren’t. Now Lara Jean is more confused than ever.  When another boy from her past returns to her life, Lara Jean’s feelings for him return too. Can a girl be in love with two boys at once?

What I Thought:  While I'm not usually a fan of love-triangle plots, this book really made me a fan of the other guy.  And still totally a fan of Lara Jean.  And her sisters.

19.

Genre: Memoir

Disability Representation: Yes (congenital amputation)

Rating: 4/4 Wheels (Loved it)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  In this searing and riveting New York Times bestseller, Olympic gold medalist Dominique Moceanu reveals the dark underbelly of Olympic gymnastics, the true price of success...and the shocking secret about her past and her family that she only learned years later.

What I Thought: While disability attitudes are definitely not as evolved as I'd like, I think the overall story shared in this book is very necessary.  Dominique was early to bring attention to the toxic abusive culture in women's gymnastics.  In a uniquely terrible position, she was abused not only by her coaches in the gym but by her father at home as well.  Dominique managed to break away and finds safety, love and respect in the new life she creates for herself.

20.

Genre:  Science Fiction

Disability Representation: Yes (autistic-presenting, amputation, mental illness, trauma)

Rating:  4/4 Wheels (Loved it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  Odd-mannered, obsessive, withdrawn, Aster has little to offer folks in the way of rebuttal when they call her ogre and freak. She's used to the names; she only wishes there was more truth to them. If she were truly a monster, as they accuse, she'd be powerful enough to tear down the walls around her until nothing remained of her world, save for stories told around the cookfire.

What I Thought: Honestly, some of the best disability representation I have ever read.  I cannot recommend this book highly enough.  I shared some thoughts on it after I read it the first time.  You can find those here.

21.

Genre: Magical Realism

Disability Representation: Not really?

Rating: 1/4 Wheels (It was okay)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  The number one bestseller in Mexico and America for almost two years, and subsequently a bestseller around the world, Like Water For Chocolate is a romantic, poignant tale, touched with moments of magic, graphic earthiness, bittersweet wit - and recipes.

What I Thought:  This was one of my first experiences reading magical realism.  (My first may have been in college.)  I was a huge fan of the focus on food and the recipes but not much else.

22.

Genre: Young Adult

Disability Representation: Yes (temporary hearing loss, amputation, trauma)

Rating: 4/4 Wheels (Loved it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  In the ruins of a place once known as North America lies the nation of Panem, a shining Capitol surrounded by twelve outlying districts. The Capitol is harsh and cruel and keeps the districts in line by forcing them all to send one boy and one girl between the ages of twelve and eighteen to participate in the annual Hunger Games, a fight to the death on live TV. Sixteen-year-old Katniss Everdeen, who lives alone with her mother and younger sister, regards it as a death sentence when she is forced to represent her district in the Games. But Katniss has been close to dead before - and survival, for her, is second nature. Without really meaning to, she becomes a contender. But if she is to win, she will have to start making choices that weigh survival against humanity and life against love.

What I Thought:  Tara and I checked this out for the first time around 2009 (before the movies, the hype, the franchise) because Adam Lambert recommended it on Twitter.  It was amazing and it feels even more timely now.

23.

Genre: Fantasy

Disability Representation: Yes (trauma)

Rating: 0/4 Wheels (Did not like this one.)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  As he climbs into the sidecar of Hagrid's motorbike and takes to the skies, leaving Privet Drive for the last time, Harry Potter knows that Lord Voldemort and the Death Eaters are not far behind. The protective charm that has kept Harry safe until now is broken, but he cannot keep hiding. The Dark Lord is breathing fear into everything Harry loves and to stop him Harry will have to find and destroy the remaining Horcruxes. The final battle must begin - Harry must stand and face his enemy.

What I Thought:  I missed a lot of aspects I'd grown fond of in this book.  (Hogwarts, for one, and the food!)  Also, this book just seemed very unnecessarily brutal toward the kids.  Not a fan.

24.

Genre: Graphic Novel

Disability Representation: Yes (amputation and cancer)

Rating: 1/4 Wheels (It was okay)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy are having a really tough year: with their father serving in the military overseas, they must work overtime to make ends meet...and each girl is struggling in her own way. Whether it's school woes, health issues, boy troubles, or simply feeling lost, the March sisters all need the same thing: support from each other. Only by coming together--and sharing lots of laughs and tears--will these four young women find the courage to discover who they truly are as individuals...and as a family.

What I Thought:  While I loved the modernization and characterization updates, visual and tracking issues made it difficult for me to read anything that wasn't an email or a journal entry. Definitely recommend if you don't struggle with visual / tracking issues and if you're a fan of Little Women.

25.

Genre:  Young Adult

Disability Representation:  Yes (trauma mainly)

Rating: 4/4 Wheels (Loved it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  Against all odds, Katniss has won the Hunger Games. She and fellow District 12 tribute Peeta Mellark are miraculously still alive. Katniss should be relieved, happy even. After all, she has returned to her family and her longtime friend, Gale. Yet nothing is the way Katniss wishes it to be. Gale holds her at an icy distance. Peeta has turned his back on her completely. And there are whispers of a rebellion against the Capitol - a rebellion that Katniss and Peeta may have helped create.

What I Thought:  I think this is my favorite of all three Hunger Games books.  It's just so solid.  So well-thought out.  While rereading this one, we consciously stretched it to make it last longer, that's how much we love it.

26.

Genre: Fiction

Disability Representation: Yes (trauma)

Rating:  4/4 Wheels (Loved it)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  Room is home to Jack, but to Ma, it is the prison where Old Nick has held her captive for seven years. Through determination, ingenuity, and fierce motherly love, Ma has created a life for Jack. But she knows it's not enough ... not for her or for him. She devises a bold escape plan, one that relies on her young son's bravery and a lot of luck. What she does not realize is just how unprepared she is for the plan to actually work.

What I Thought:  I continue to love this book.  I've reread it annually since first discovering it in 2010.  Jack's narrative voice is captivating, and I particularly love how Jack and Ma's story does not end with their escape, but continues, exploring what their lives are like and how they must adjust once they are free.

27.

Genre: Young Adult

Disability Representation: Yes (trauma mainly)

Rating: 3/4 Wheels (Really liked it)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  It is by design that Katniss was rescued from the arena in the cruel and haunting Quarter Quell, and it is by design that she has long been part of the revolution without knowing it. District 13 has come out of the shadows and is plotting to overthrow the Capitol. Everyone, it seems, has had a hand in the carefully laid plans--except Katniss.

What I Thought:  The depiction of trauma and its effects in this book particularly are super well-done.  I really wanted to give this one 4 wheels but I found myself more bothered than times previously by Katniss's lack of agency and her being used throughout the book.  As well, for the first time, the ending read as particularly devastating.  Still really liked it.

28.

Genre: Disability Fiction

Disability Representation: Yes (various)

Rating: 4 Wheels (Based on GoodReads ratings from others)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  For two sisters with disabilities, being home is anything but safe. While one searches for information on who she is, the other comes face to face with secrets from her past.

What I Thought:  This is definitely the piece of writing that I am proudest of, and getting to work on it with my sister was a dream come true, honestly.  It's long, and an emotionally difficult read in places, but it addresses so many important issues in the disabled community.  (Again, this book is not a published work - the cover was designed by a talented friend!)

29.

Genre: Memoir

Disability Representation: Yes (trauma)

Rating: 2/4 Wheels (Liked it)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  "Sunshine, you're my baby and I'm your only mother. You must mind the one taking care of you, but she's not your mama." Ashley Rhodes-Courter spent nine years of her life in fourteen different foster homes, living by those words. As her mother spirals out of control, Ashley is left clinging to an unpredictable, dissolving relationship, all the while getting pulled deeper and deeper into the foster care system.

What I Thought: This is a rare first-person account of what it feels like to be a child going through the foster care system, being adopted, etc.  It's complex, and there are no easy answers.  I loved that adoption did not "cure" everything in Ashley's life.

30.

Genre: Nonfiction

Disability Representation: Yes, tons of C-PTSD.

Rating: 4 Wheels (Loved it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  Those who have had a narcissistic parent can testify to how damaging it can be to one’s psyche. Narcissistic parents lack empathy, show a severe sense of entitlement to micromanage the lives of their children and often subject their children to neglect, as well as emotional, psychological and physical abuse. From the unique challenges daughters of narcissistic fathers face to the ways in which adverse childhood experiences affect our brains, Shahida Arabi's insightful essays resonate deeply with those who have been raised by narcissistic parents.

What I Thought:  This book has been the single most helpful thing I've yet to read.  It offers so many suggestions and tools, and it's told in relateable, undaunting way.  I would so recommend this for anyone who might find it helpful.

31.

Genre: Memoir

Disability Representation: Yes (Cerebral Palsy and various mental health things)

Rating: 2/4 Wheels (Liked it)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  From the disability rights advocate and creator of the #DisabledAndCute viral campaign, a thoughtful, inspiring, and charming collection of essays exploring what it means to be black and disabled in a mostly able-bodied white America.

What I Thought:  I was so beyond excited to check out this book!  It was the first time I'd ever gotten to read a book written by someone with CP, that's actually about how it feels to have CP (at least in part.)  I related to a good portion of Keah's essays, and you can read a full review of her book here.


32.

Genre: Memoir

Disability Representation: Yes (trauma)

Rating: 4/4 Wheels (Loved it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  She was known to the world as Emily Doe when she stunned millions with a letter. Brock Turner had been sentenced to just six months in county jail after he was found sexually assaulting her on Stanford’s campus. Her victim impact statement was posted on BuzzFeed, where it instantly went viral–viewed by eleven million people within four days, it was translated globally and read on the floor of Congress; it inspired changes in California law and the recall of the judge in the case. Thousands wrote to say that she had given them the courage to share their own experiences of assault for the first time.  Now she reclaims her identity to tell her story of trauma, transcendence, and the power of words. 

What I Thought:  Chanel has the most soothing, comforting narrative voice I have ever known.  She desires to comfort survivors and that is exactly what she does with this book.  I've actually just begun rereading this again - that's how good it is.

33.

Genre: Disability Fiction

Disability Representation: (Yes, chronic illness, trauma)

Rating: 3.5/4 Wheels (Based on GoodReads ratings from others)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  

To those whose own
History
Remains shrouded in
Secrecy.
Here's a
Story
Of what happened.
Here are secrets
Unburied
For you:
Treasure to hold
In your hands.

What I Thought:  It was deeply therapeutic, giving characters a history, even if it's one they won't ever know.  It's comforting knowing there are reasons for things being the way they are...even if we might never know the reasons.  (Once more for the people in the back: This is not a published work.  The cover was designed by a talented friend!)

34.

Genre: Memoir

Disability Representation: Yes (various)

Rating: 3/4 Wheels (Really liked it)

Excerpt of Amazon Summary:  Born to parents who had emigrated to Britain from Bangladesh, Nadiya Hussain's first roles were those of daughter and sister. Considering her later roles as a devout Muslim entering an arranged marriage and becoming a wife and mother herself, Nadiya questions the barriers that many women, no matter who they are or where they live, have to cross in order to be accepted or heard. Importantly, she shows us how, at the core of it all, we are essentially tackling the same issues throughout our lives despite our cultural, social and religious differences.

What I Thought:  As a major fan of The Great British Baking Show - and of Nadiya, she's my favorite - I could not wait to read this one!  I really enjoyed reading stories from Nadiya's life and felt I got to know her as a person.  I also loved reading about how she supported her sibling through surgery and how carefully she guards others' privacy - especially her kids'.

35.

Genre: Memoir

Disability Representation: Yes, (trauma and FASD)

Rating: 4/4 Wheels (Loved it!)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  In her own words, Cyntoia Brown shares the riveting and redemptive story of how she changed her life for the better while in prison, finding hope through faith after a traumatic adolescence of drug addiction, rape, and sex trafficking led to a murder conviction.

What I Thought:  I really cannot tell you how much I loved this book.  It's incredible and so very necessary to read.  It's a complex story beginning with trauma and identity issues around adoption as well as undiagnosed disability.  One of my favorite things about the book was when, during a court proceeding when Cyntoia's (previously unknown, even to her) disability was outed using offensive language, Cyntoia did not hesitate to address this.  I think what I loved the most about this book, though, was that it gives the reader a fully dimensional view of a Black disabled woman.  Seriously, everyone should read this book.  I'm not kidding.

36.

Genre: Childrens > Middle Grade

Disability Representation: No (but Deaf representation)

Rating: 2/4 Wheels (Liked it)

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  Jessi knows a secret language! She learned it from Matt Braddock, the BSC's newest charge. Matt's been deaf since birth, and he uses sign language to speak. Since Jessi is Matt's baby-sitter, she has to use sign language, too.

What I Thought:  I read this for the first time as a twelve-year-old.  Reading it as an adult is a whole different experience.  While I'm sure the Deaf representation in this book was groundbreaking in 1988, it could stand an update (or better yet a retelling, where the focus is on Matt and not how novel sign language is.)  I still managed to enjoy it, despite problematic aspects but would not recommend this one if you're looking for Deaf representation.

37.

Genre: Fiction

Disability Representation: Yes, (a whole host of mental health things, XP, asthma)

Rating:  4/4 Wheels

Excerpt of GoodReads Summary:  When odd, supernatural events plague the town of Comtosook, a ghost hunter is hired by the developer to help convince the residents that there's nothing spiritual about the property. An intricate tale of love, haunting memories, and renewal.

What I Thought:  This is another one I reread annually, and have, for at least the past decade.  I love the complexity of the story.  The stories in both the present and past timelines and how they intersect and overlap.

Related:  30 Books I Read in 2018

MY TOP 4 NEW READS OF 2019:

Becoming by Michelle Obama
Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists by Shahida Arabi
Know My Name by Chanel Miller
Free Cyntoia by Cyntoia Brown-Long

Have you read any on this list? What did you think?  Any that you are thinking of checking out next?

***

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Friday, December 27, 2019

When I Wanted a Magic Nursery Holiday Baby To Magically Take Away My Surgery

2,690 words
21 minute read

TW: medical trauma, surgery, anesthesia details, dissociation.  Everything, basically.  Read with caution.

Christmas Day of 1991 is fuzzy.

I have exactly one memory of the day.  I wanted a Magic Nursery Holiday Baby.  They were dolls and you apparently did not know their gender until you swished a little 'surprise package' in water, which revealed if your doll was a girl or boy.

The holiday version of the baby was even more magical.  With the tagline, "Love is magic" and listening to commercials that talked about the dolls in the same breath as "all your holiday wishes coming true" I knew I needed that doll.

The holiday version of the dolls were especially cute.  I never cared about knowing if I was going to get a boy or a girl doll - whatever I got, I would love - but I was sure I wouldn't get it.

It was too amazing.  Too big a thing to ever dream or hope for.  (Plus, definitely geared for a child younger than the ten-and-a-half-year-old that I was.)  

Here's the thing:

I got it.

Christmas morning, 1991, I opened a gift and found Holly.  My very own Magic Nursery Holiday Baby!  She was adorable.  Exactly what I wanted.  But my heart fell.

In two days, I was scheduled to have the majorest of major surgeries for my Cerebral Palsy...and I'd been secretly hoping...with the last of my childhood innocence...that if I got a Magic Nursery Holiday Baby - if love really was magic and all my wishes would come true - then maybe I wouldn't have to have surgery after all.

But I knew, even opening it, that the surgery was happening.  My parents were planning for it.  Tara and I were deciding which stuffed animals or dolls we wanted to take.

I decided pretty immediately not to take baby Holly.  I think I didn't want to risk losing her, or anything happening to her at the hospital.  She was so new.  So special.  So, I took Tyler instead, a baby doll I'd found on a shopping trip with my grandma.  

On December 27th, 1991, Tara and I woke at 5 AM.  As a fifth grader, who had rarely gotten out of bed before 7:00 AM, this was brutal.  It was still dark out.  It felt like the middle of the night and it was cold.  I slept in the car, all the while anxious about what was coming, but not at all knowing what to expect.

We arrived at the local Children's Hospital two hours later.  There was a lot of waiting.  I was still so tired, not even sure this was really happening, or why.  I was confused.  My legs felt fine.  They felt completely normal.  Why was this happening?  All we had been told was that this surgery would help us walk better.

Better than what, though?  I knew, even at ten years old, that I would always have CP.  I knew that no surgery I ever had would take it away.  

I have vague memories of being with...and then without Tara.  I would be operated on first.  I spent time in a small pre-op type room, with a TV, distracting myself with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - the only thing on so early on that Friday morning.

Then, suddenly, it was time to go.  My parents said goodbye to me but I barely heard them.  I had launched myself fully into my coping mechanism of the moment.

The movie Sister Act. Tara and I had seen it in theaters right before we turned ten with our grandma.  The movie was a revelation.  We loved the music.  The songs.  The choral singing.  The harmonies.  The shy nun, Mary Robert, who finds her confidence singing with the choir, and the choir director who helps welcome in all the outcasts by modernizing the music to "get some butts in the seats."

--

"Have you ever seen Sister Act?  It's really good.  It's a movie.  It's about this one lady, Delores, who has to pretend to be a nun and she's actually really good at music so she becomes choir director and turns the horrible choir into a great choir.  My favorite character is Mary Robert.  She's really shy but she got less shy and started singing.  My sister used to be really shy but she got less shy and now she talks all the time.  My favorite song - well - I don't know what it's called...  It's Latin, or something.  But it's the first song they sing together as a choir when Sister Mary Clarence, that's Delores's nun name, directs.  We watched it nine times!  Once in the theater, once another time.  And then, last weekend, we rented it with our best friend and we watched it SEVEN times!  Can you believe it?"

The anesthesiologist interrupts my monologue about everything Sister Act to inform me that I'm about to smell orange coming from the mask.  I've had enough surgeries (at least three in conscious memory) to know that the smell they say is in the mask is barely there.

What is there is gas - not haha, funny gas that you laugh at when you're ten - but real actual gas.  Noxious fumes that invade and suffocate you until you pass out.

This is what I have been dreading; avoiding.  Gone are the plans I have to count backward from ten, to see how far I get, so Tara and I can compare notes.

I panic.

I try to hold my breath, but I can't.

It feels like I'm being poisoned.

My body goes numb slowly.  I can't breathe.  I'm dying.

--

I blink.

I hear, "You're all done."

And I think, "What?  I just closed my eyes two seconds ago?" (like Mary Clarence when Mary Robert comes to wake her up at 5 AM.)

I'm aware of pain.  A lot of it.  But it's muffled under layers of painkillers.  

I feel dissociated.  Out of it.  The first time I'm transferred from one bed to another, I don't know if I even voice my fear out loud.  All I know is that I hurt worse than ever and I'm in the air with blankets under me, strangers moving me.  (Every movement at all is excruciating.)

Finally, I see my parents.

Just in time to groggily hold one hand in front of my face.  It looks huge.  Am I that swollen?  Have I always had giant hands? Why did no one ever tell me I had giant hands?

That's the last thought I have before I vomit.  Everywhere.  

"Tonia blew chunks!" 

I hear the laughter nearby and can only feel relief that I'm not in trouble.

--

I don't remember much else of those early days.  There was a lot of sleeping.  A lot of muscle spasms brought on by laughter, so we were constantly begging that no one say anything funny.  The idea of anyone telling me a joke made me want to sob.  Sometimes, there was no joke at all, and the muscles in both legs would just start shaking fast and hard.  There was no stopping it, except when nurses would administer something through IV.

Every two hours we had to be turned from our backs to our sides.  Movement was so unspeakably painful.  Being re-positioned even in the gentlest way possible in the earliest days is something I have blocked out completely. According to Tara's memory, we screamed and cried.  By the time I have coherent memory of this, I just endured it as best I could.

The two rays of light in the week we stayed at the hospital were our night nurses.  Jeanne and Esme.  Esme was my nurse.  They were young, twenty-somethings probably and used to write funny messages on the white boards above our beds.  (Where most doctors would write what we're allergic to, and other important notes, Esme would write, "I'm a twin!" on my board, while Jeanne wrote, "My sister looks exactly like me!" on Tara's.)  They would joke about having pizza parties when our parents had to go home for the night, and they always lifted our spirits, no matter the pain we were in.

Mom came each day around 6 AM to watch cartoons with Tara in the dark while they waited for me to wake up.  By the time I was awake, the TV lineup was full of Lambchops and Captain Kangaroo. PBS was the only kid-friendly channel we got on our tiny black and white TVs.  Our aunt and uncle visited once, and even our teachers came with balloons and well-wishes.  To be honest, I was on so much pain medication, I barely remember this, just vague impressions.

Physical therapy was particularly awful, and I didn't even mind when I was given a toy that might occupy a toddler to attempt to occupy me through the painful range of motion exercises.  The first time I stood up (with the help of parallel bars) I almost passed out.  All the blood rushed from my head.  It was all I could do just to stay standing.

We were encouraged to go out into the playroom, but at ten-and-a-half I felt I was too old for it.  When it was finally insisted upon, I found myself even more let down, as I realized it was widely inaccessible and I'd have to exhaust myself to reach any of the toys anyway.

We had to stay in the hospital New Year's Eve, and this really upset Tara, especially when our parents left for the night.  I was happy because it was Tuesday night and I got to watch Rescue 911.  Luckily, Jeanne was around to take Tara to go see the fish to help her feel better.

One of the last days, we had to get Tegaderm removed from our scars.  This was, perhaps, the way I first learned all the places I had incisions.  I'm sure I hadn't been told beforehand.  I had four (both ankles and the outsides of both feet) under my casts.  The other nine incisions were covered in Tegaderm which was like having a piece of plastic glued to a major wound.  They needed to take the plastic off before we could go home.

Esme and Jeanne tried to make it fun - but there wasn't much that could be done about it.  Esme kept telling me we could race: "We can beat Jeanne and Tara!  I know we can!"  But it was unspeakably painful.  Tegaderm was slowly unglued from behind both knees, from both quads, the length of both hips, both sides of my pelvis and my right lower back.  Underneath each place was a fresh, raw incision.  (I was particularly angry about the one on my back because literally nothing had been wrong there, but now, I had a deeply painful wound where a bone graft had been taken.)  I thought it made no sense.  The Tegaderm Races of 1992 commenced.  I don't remember who won.  Tara and I were both crying too much.

On our last day or so, I remember being told they had to pull my catheter.  I didn't even know I had one.  Or what one was.  All I knew was that ever since I woke up from surgery, I could just...pee...and not worry about where it went.

When it was explained to me, I was terrified.  But Esme assured me it would only hurt for a second.  Even though we'd only known each other less than a week, I felt I could trust her.  It hurt...but it was like she said.  Only for a second.

We came home, and that recovery took months.  Therapy every single day, (twice a day?  I'm not sure) early on.  Our great grandma made us liver, onions and cabbage and insisted we eat it, because we needed iron.  I still have never tasted anything as texturally offensive as liver onions and cooked cabbage.

Otherwise, we passed time watching Zoobilee Zoo in the mornings and Beverly Hills, 90210 in the evenings. (Great grandma disapproved of the evening program choice.  I still recall her walking from our bedroom into the living room to let Mom know we were "watching a show about condoms!" but Mom insisted she was "glad we were learning about it somewhere."  Representation matters, I guess?)

[Just home from the hospital.  January, 1992.  Four of my 13 total incisions from this "single surgery" are visible.]


Our teachers came to teach us at home.  They even videotaped an early visit (about two weeks post-op) so that our classmates could see us and we could stay connected to them, in the era before social media.  When my (favorite) teacher, Mrs. Johnson, starts inquiring about the type of surgery we had, our confusion and frustration are evident:

MJ: You have one cast and Tonia has two.  How come?  Can you tell us?  What kind of surgery did they do?

Tara: Well...  Um...

Me:  We don't really know.

MJ: Oh.  You're not sure.  It's too scientific?

Tara: Yeah!

Me: Yeah, they use these big words we can barely understand at all!  And mine [notes on surgery] is all in messy printing so you can barely read a word!

[Tara holds out her notes to share with Mrs. Johnson.]  

MJ:  Oh...  I can see why...you don't know what happened...

[Mrs. Johnson struggles to read notes full of medical jargon on what was done in Tara's surgery.  Then, Mrs. Johnson does her best to explain what she does know, giving an on-the-spot vocabulary lesson on what "immobilizer" means.]

Our teachers coming over was a rare bright spot.  We didn't like homework, but I loved Mrs. Johnson, and getting to see her for two hours every day was good for my spirit.  I struggled to list any fun things I had done when Mrs. Johnson put me on the spot.  In fact, I said, "Homework," and had to be specifically prodded to give a general response about "playing games" and listing which friends came to visit.

If you watch the video of our teacher's visit (around January 10th) you'll see a subsequent one beneath it (taken four weeks later). In it, I get reprimanded as I am using all my strength to try and walk with my walker.  Told that if I didn't straighten out, the surgery wouldn't do me any good at all.  It would be like I hadn't had it.  This type of pressure (to do therapy "right" or we would need even more surgery) was immense and crushing.  The threats and comments of this nature persisted until high school.

Back in fifth grade, though, I had to somehow deal with getting cards from classmates who enthusiastically shared with me: "I can't wait until you can walk just like everyone else!"

I remember grimly thinking, "Well, I guess they're all going to be really disappointed."

Why am I sharing all this?

Because today is December 27th.  It's been almost three decades since I naively went into an operating room, not knowing why I was having surgery in the first place.  I wasn't in any pain.  CP wasn't impacting my quality of life.

But here, have the equivalent of 15 surgeries in eleven months.  

You'll walk better.  

(Because another surgery followed in early November, 1992, to remove the "rod" and "three screws" that had been in each hip.  We were now just eleven years old.  Is it any wonder that, at twelve, when I was asked by a doctor if I wanted a subsequent surgery - the first time I'd ever been asked if I consented - I said no?)

Ironically, after all my wishing and hoping for my very own Magic Nursery Holiday Baby?  And getting her?  I could not bring myself to play with her once I got home from the hospital after that horrendous surgery I hoped Holly would save me from.  I enjoyed her for exactly one day.  Then, I left her at home, not wanting to lose her.  Not wanting anything to happen to her.

But I lost something greater.

That last bit of childhood innocence - that left, too.

Nothing happened to Holly.

But everything - all of it - happened to me.

***

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Wednesday, December 25, 2019

Dragon-Hearted 2

1,179 words
9 minute read

For the holidays, I often ask friends if they'd like me to write something for them.  My friend, Ellen, surprised me by asking for a continuation of the fairy tale I wrote back in 2014, Dragon-Hearted.


Written: October 20, 2019

[Image: A picture of Dragon, my teal stuffed dragon]



It has been twenty-eight years since I first began.  Twenty-eight years since I started secreting the children in my village away to quiet corners in the wood, so teach them everything I could remember from the first eight years of my life.  At first, they were my peers.  And then, slowly, they weren’t.

It didn’t matter.  Everything I needed to know - the important things anyway - were always inside me:

My dragon’s soft rumblings - her heart speaking so directly to my own - is a memory I will always keep:

Once upon a time, I found you.  A tiny baby locked away.  I heard you crying and I came.  I stuck my head in the window and saved you from the people who ignored you and hurt you.  I brought you here, to my home.  To my tower.  Where you would be safe.

And I was safe.  Until I wasn’t anymore.

She did protect me.  Until she couldn’t.

Until a man who calls himself my knight in shining armor - to this day - killed the only family I ever really had.  Until he stole me.  Insisted I learn his language, without ever trying to learn my own.  Made me dress the part.  Marry him.

I went along.

I did everything as instructed...but I could never fully quench the dragonishness I felt in my heart.  My human fire so different from my dragon’s - so much less effective.  I held onto pieces of my culture I remembered: How To Rumble Curiously.  How To Slit One’s Eye To Ward Off Intruders.  How To Care For Your Claws.

--

Recently, that all changed.  His mother, the queen, passed, and I am next in line.

With my newfound power, I no longer have to hide my dragon lessons to the children in the village, but I choose to.  I know the king will not be happy when he knows how I’ve been spending all of my free time.

(Two years ago, he did find out.  Enraged, he roared and cursed, looking more fearsome than my dragon ever did.)

“Don’t you know - don’t you have any idea - how everything you do reflects on me?  And that - when you make poor choices - it reflects poorly on me?”

His words nudge the child inside me.  That old fear.  Trying to see myself reflected back in his dirty armor.  Never really being able to.

“I was right to slay that loathsome dragon!  Now, you are to stay in the castle and do what I say!”

I roar.  So loud.  So sudden.  It even startles me.

I take off my crown and heave it at him.  He catches it inches before it hits the floor.

The moment he is distracted, I turn and flee as the king calls, “Guards!  Seize her!”

But the guards are our peers.  The guards have been taught to love, to think, to feel and to trust their own fire inside.

So one pretends to try and stop me while another slips me out a back exit, and gives me his horse.

I ride off into the darkness.

--

It’s taken twenty-two months to reach the place I’ve been searching for.

Sometimes, the journey is so long and arduous, I’m sure I’ve made the whole thing up, but something inside me urges me on.

I’m nodding off, atop the horse who one day, I hope, will help me find freedom, when he suddenly rears up.

I’m awake, startled back to consciousness, and I stare at the old grey bricks, in the small clearing, behind miles and miles of endless woods.  If I squint, I can see the window at the top.

Endless feet of rope dangle from the window, ending just inches above the ground.  I touch the grass hesitantly, grateful for footwear.

I take hold of the rope, and brace my feet on the stones, awkwardly inching my way up.  I don’t think I’ll make it.  Halfway up, I nearly fall.  But something keeps me going.

Finally, I reach the sil.  I haul myself inside with none of the grace and dignity taught to me.  Not a single remnant of the queen remaining.

Good.  I don’t want her.  I want to see my home.

I open one eye and glance around.  The space seems decidedly smaller.  Almost nothing definitive to tell me I’m in the right place except….

Squinting, I step forward.  I squat and cup both hands.  I find a careful pile of berries and meat resting on a bed of leaves.

I’m so distracted by the sight of it - this pile of food - so obviously left for someone - that I leave my back to the window for longer than anticipated.

I forget all about it, in fact, until a large shadow falls over me.

A familiar warning growl fills the space.

I turn slowly, and I very nearly collapse from shock.  I stagger back a few steps, and replace the food on the leaves where I found it.

It’s her!  My dragon!  (But how can it be?)

I rumble softly in my throat, a question.

After a moment’s pause, she stretches her head in closer to smell me.

I let this happen, hoping there is something left of me.  Some remnant of the child I was.  Something she can recognize.

I forget momentarily that it’s been nearly two years since I was queen of anywhere.  I forget that I smell more like the earth and sky than I do of perfumes and soaps my captors tried to accustom me to.

Her long beautiful eyelashes sweep her reddish purple face as she blinks.  Sighs.  A giant tear rolls down her leathery face.  She nuzzles me.

I do the same.

We stay close, holding onto each other.  When she tries to cover me with her wing, like when I was a child, I can see it’s been injured.

The monster...he said he killed you… I intone, mindfully avoiding her injured wing.

She shakes her head.

Nudges the pile of meat and berries toward me.  When I don’t take them immediately, she cooks them with her breath.

It’s an amazing sight to behold.

I fall asleep against her, listening to the reassuring sound of her heart.  It beats just as my own does, reminding me of our sameness.

Of our love for each other.

And that’s when I know:

A dragon’s love is stronger than a monster’s hate.

And also, that finally, I am safe.  With my dragon.

Together, as we always should have been.

***

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Wednesday, November 27, 2019

Gratitude

239 words
2 minute read

Our planner (since July) has had a section dedicated to gratitude.  I thought I'd share the things we've been grateful for this year.

1.  Found

2.  Dragon

[Image is: Tonia smiling with a stuffed dragon on her shoulder]
3. You there to help with Greenie

4. I love you

5.  I love you more

6. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

7. You're the best!

8. Love you and I am here whenever you want to / can process anything

9. NAPS

10.  Jordan's singing stream

11. Apartment

12. Reconnecting with [former camper]

13. Teamwork makes a dream work!

14.  "Look at my old neck!"

15. Extra money after hair appts

16. Weekend to rest!

17. Love you!

18. So proud of us for prioritizing inner children

19. Love inner children

20. Ride to get flu shots

21. Inner children time

22.  Chanel Miller - Know My Name

23. 3 days off!

24. Lots of time to rest

25. Love you!

26. Nadiya's book coming (Finding My Voice - Nadiya Hussain)

27. Flannel sheets yum cozy.

28. Chanel - gentle touch.

29. Jo's portrayal of PTSD on Grey's.

30. Poloing with friends.

31. NaNo planning

32.  Jordan - Schoolin' life :)

33. [Friend] demonstrating safeness

34.  Extra hour of sleep!

35. Friends

36. Support system

37. You and your support

38. Processing times

39. We have time

40.  A peaceful day on NC-versary

***

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Wednesday, November 13, 2019

10 Big Things I've Accomplished This Decade

885 words
7 minute read

I was on Twitter this morning and came across this tweet, which got me thinking about the past ten years and some of the things I've done that I am proudest of:

10.  My Second Book of Poetry Was Published (2011)


Here I am in the summer of 2011, holding my second book of published poetry.

I was a little slow to get going (nothing in 2010).  But by 2011, I was raring to go!  My second book of poetry, Some Bright Morning, was published.

9.  Personal Essay Was Published in an Anthology (2011)

One of my essays, "Playing House" was also published in the anthology, Idol Meanderings.

8. Learned to Meditate (2012)

There came a time in life when my anxiety and (let's face it, probably trauma) was shifting into high gear.  For the first time, I tried to do some self care.  For me, that looked like putting some good (mmm, orange) lotion on, lying down, and counting my breaths to 100, as I listened to the Soundscapes channel on TV.

7.  Got Training and Babysat 7 Children in Foster Care (2012-2013)

I still recall the day I spoke to a friend on the phone, and she shared the difficult time she was having finding people willing to take the training (including fingerprinting and a background check) to be cleared to take care of her foster kiddos while she worked.  I said, "Well, I can do it."  (Yes, I had to go back a second time to get re-finger-printed because CP meant that I had a hard time keeping my balance and getting an adequate print, but it all worked out.)  Today, I still think of those kids fondly and their cute questions and comments:

4-Year-Old: What's balance?  Oh.  These are my funny-crutches!  They go all by theirselves!

7-Year-Old: [Watching me scoot down the stairs]  Oh, that's so much fun!  I do that all the time! ...It would probably be more fun [for you] if you were lighter.

6.  Created Tonia Says (2014)

I still remember the night that summer when a friend on Facebook shared an article about teaching nondisabled kids to show love and respect to disabled kids.  It was written by a parent, and I found I had many differing views.  I ended up in a longer private conversation with the friend, and later, that conversation became the basis for my first blog post ever, written specifically for this site.

5.  Connected With The Disability Community (2015 - 2019)

This has happened several times over the last four years, but there is still something magical about the moment I saw my friend, Ellen Stumbo's daughter for the first time. My first connection to someone like me in almost twenty years.  Having not been around anyone with CP aside from brief weeks as a teenager, it was Like Looking in a Mirror, indeed.

4. Helped Change Disability Representation on TV (2017)

In January, 2017 it was clear that our favorite TV show, "The Fosters" set out to tell a story about how disability impacts a family.  Our favorite character, Jesus, sustained a Traumatic Brain Injury.  While I had been recapping every episode, I now asked Tara to join me, and we reviewed each episode for disability representation.  It didn't take long to see that this representation was veering down a dangerous path.  Tara and I continued to recap and share our thoughts with the writers via Twitter for more than six months.

Finally, when it seemed there was no hope left we read:  We appreciate all of your thoughts this season and we continue to discuss a new path forward for Jesus.  Consider us enlightened.  The final ten episodes of the series were different in tone.  There was a memorable scene where the parents apologized for their horrifying ableism...which, we think...is nothing short of life-saving:



3. Removed Myself From Lives of Toxic People (2017 - 2019)

Starting in 2017, I began to prioritize my own safety.  It wasn't easy.  It's still something I struggle with, at least seasonally.  ("Am I doing the right thing?  Am I a horrible person?")  But the truth is, a lot of us in the disability community face dangerous levels of ableism in our day to day life.  Ableism that's often perpetuated by those closest to us.  You have the right to leave dangerous situations.  Safe people do exist.

2.  Read 300 Books (2010 - 2019)

This is obviously an estimate, but seeing as the average number of books I've read the past two years hovers around 30, I think this is a safe approximation.  Discovered three of my all time favorites this decade (The Kindness of Strangers by Katrina Kittle, Second Glance by Jodi Picoult and ROOM by Emma Donaghue.  My favorite new read this year is definitely Know My Name by Chanel Miller!)

1.  Wrote 11 Novels (2010 - 2019)

Yes, you read that right.  I'm currently finishing up my eleventh novel in the last ten years.  These (especially the last six) are super dear to me.  I have loved working on them (especially number ten) with Tara, for most of a year.  Looking forward to finishing number eleven by the end of this month.  (Speaking of...now I actually have to stop blogging and go write chapter eleven...)

***

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