tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4060372686205861977.post2993555964112391108..comments2024-03-26T05:32:30.698-05:00Comments on Tonia Says: Let's Talk About Impostor Syndrome (as the Effect of Consistent Patronization)Tonia Sayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11406280143637741965noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4060372686205861977.post-70961776435288956542020-12-14T10:31:23.914-06:002020-12-14T10:31:23.914-06:00Oh, thank you <3Oh, thank you <3 Tonia Sayshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11406280143637741965noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4060372686205861977.post-44102983240050847332020-12-14T09:52:39.588-06:002020-12-14T09:52:39.588-06:00This is really good. I love getting your perspecti...This is really good. I love getting your perspective, Tonia!RRhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06525895369241390987noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4060372686205861977.post-29548418586179453922020-01-21T21:04:56.102-06:002020-01-21T21:04:56.102-06:00Cassie, the BEST advice I ever got was from the pe...Cassie, the BEST advice I ever got was from the pediatrician who gave us the diagnosis of Down Syndrome. He said " take her home and treat her just like you do your son.... hug her, teach her, scold and discipline when needed, you'll both be fine". At the time, I thought he was completely nuts, but as time passed, I realized he was SO right.Cate Framenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4060372686205861977.post-58261091011555602242020-01-21T16:43:25.218-06:002020-01-21T16:43:25.218-06:00Thank you for reading.Thank you for reading.Tonia Sayshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11406280143637741965noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4060372686205861977.post-782506783855567182020-01-21T15:28:31.713-06:002020-01-21T15:28:31.713-06:00Tonia, thank you for voicing this. I'm writin...Tonia, thank you for voicing this. I'm writing from a parents point of view, I have a 43 year old daughter with Down Syndrome. I get tired of the patronization from 2 different sides---hearing people tell her exactly what you point out "you're SO independent" "you have a job? Good for you" "you stay home alone? Can you cook?" Etc, etc, etc. As her mom, I'm forever hearing "you've done such a good job with her, she's so functional, she's so independent "........ I also have 2 sons, and no one thinks its outstanding that they are functional adults, or that we did a good job raising them.<br />Thanks for bringing this to the attention of the world at large. You voiced it so much more kindly than I would have!!Cate Framenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4060372686205861977.post-9296106706142258332016-12-11T23:07:48.165-06:002016-12-11T23:07:48.165-06:00The thing your relative said is something that I w...The thing your relative said is something that I would see happen to my able bodied friends when I slept over. Its not unique to disability. Family just likes to do that. I find in situations of patronizing verses real compliments the tone of voice of the person will change. If it's a patronizing compliment the voice is higher pitched and too perky. A real compliment sounds closer to regular speech…at least in my experience. Margothttp://cripvideoproductions.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4060372686205861977.post-28367097992857279642016-04-19T06:53:58.476-05:002016-04-19T06:53:58.476-05:00Cassie, I'm so glad you're here! Thank yo...Cassie, I'm so glad you're here! Thank you so much for letting me know you're reading. That's so awesome. My main tip would be just this: think about yourself at a similar age to your son. Would it have felt good and affirming to receive such praise from your own parents at a similar age, about a similar thing? Also, a good indicator of whether praise will be appreciated is if you know he's worked really hard on something and he finally masters it. (Like...it took me a long time to be able to tie my shoes. I practiced for 3 years, starting about 2 years after my peers were able to tie theirs, because my fine motor skills just weren't there yet.) When I finally did tie my shoes, at 10 years old, I felt SO proud, and welcomed the praise, because I had worked so hard. I would also say, be sure to praise your kid for behaviors and traits you really love in him and want to keep seeing: kindness, gentleness, knowing how to share, saying please and thank you, standing up for himself, etc. Really hope this helps and is not too overwhelming! Write anytime <3 Tonia Sayshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11406280143637741965noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4060372686205861977.post-80145764820477905532016-04-18T23:10:29.234-05:002016-04-18T23:10:29.234-05:00Hi! My name is Cassie. My 7 week old son has Spina...Hi! My name is Cassie. My 7 week old son has Spina Bifida. I have been following you on Facebook and reading your blog since shortly after I learned of his diagnosis (21week gestation) by a recommendation of a friend with a child of disabilities. I love reading your writings because to be completely honest I feel totally overwhelmed when it comes to raising my son. His physical needs don't scare me but his emotional needs do. I'm afraid of saying the wrong things. I love him so much and want him to have a fulfilling life. In regards to this post- any tips for parents? Doctors don't think he will be able to walk. I could easily see myself over praising him for accomplishing normal things. I don't want to be patronizing him. But I would genuinely be so proud of anything he accomplishes! But I also feel that way towards my son who does not have a disability. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06031646431804185653noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4060372686205861977.post-76767913515590687832016-04-18T21:37:45.112-05:002016-04-18T21:37:45.112-05:00Thanks! And you guys have such great, open commun...Thanks! And you guys have such great, open communication that I'm sure you could ask her sometime, or talk about it if something similar comes up <3 Tonia Sayshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11406280143637741965noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4060372686205861977.post-803911309301705672016-04-18T21:27:43.120-05:002016-04-18T21:27:43.120-05:00This was a great post, and makes me wonder how Nin...This was a great post, and makes me wonder how Nina feels about this issue, if she feels this way too.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09611345201573528750noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4060372686205861977.post-43565446065101887562016-04-18T13:35:12.777-05:002016-04-18T13:35:12.777-05:00K, I always love reading your thoughts and knowing...K, I always love reading your thoughts and knowing what resonates with you and why. While I'm not "glad" you can relate, because that means you encounter the same types of confusing "compliments", it's always nice to know we are not alone. :)Tonia Sayshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11406280143637741965noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4060372686205861977.post-36398833366767077912016-04-18T13:07:53.960-05:002016-04-18T13:07:53.960-05:00Tonia --
This was beautifully articulated. Not bea...Tonia --<br />This was beautifully articulated. Not beautifully articulated "for a girl with CP" - it was beautifully articulated, period, full stop. This post conveyed what has been on my mind since before I even began attending elementary school, but until now I have never really been able to put it into words. <br /><br />For as long as I can remember, people have been telling me, "You are SO independent" - they said it for nearly everything I did. If I stepped up onto the bus by myself, I was "SO independent." If I politely refused assistance and zipped up my own jacket (which I am perfectly capable of doing), I was "SO independent." I remember being vaguely annoyed by the constant repetition of "You are SO independent," and then confused by my own annoyance...why should I be confused, I thought. This is a compliment; I should be grateful. As I read your post, though, I realized that maybe I was just feeling as you did - tired of being complimented for performing everyday tasks, tired of wondering, "Am I actually independent or am I just 'independent for a kid with CP' ?" And these "compliments" haven't stopped. I get praised for using stairs, praised for traversing my college campus, praised for "being happy." Just the other day, someone came up to me and said, "I saw you booking it to class the other day!" I laughed and said, "Yeah, I was probably late!" and they proceeded to look confused. "No," they said. "I meant that it's so cool that you walk to class." ??? I never actually voice my frustration when people say things like this, because I know they're trying to be kind...but CAN WE NOT, PLEASE. It gets old after a while, hearing these sorts of "compliments" all the time, and they don't actually make me feel good. /endrant<br /><br />Anyway, this post really resonated with me. I especially loved your analogy about compliments being placed through a filter...that makes SO much sense, and I realized that I unconsciously "filter" compliments too. <br /><br />And this last part: "I want to exist in a world where I can do something awesome, be complimented, and not filter a thing. I want there not to be a filter. I want to believe what you say, when you say it." YESYESYES. This.<br /><br />I've loved everything you've written on your blog so far, Tonia...but this might just be one of my favorites. :) I LOVE this post - and don't run that compliment through your filter, because I mean it with every fiber of my being. ;) You are the embodiment of objective, unfiltered awesomeness, Tonia!Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16465476805924801942noreply@blogger.com