We Belong: Chapter 22

546 words

4 minute read

FITTING IN

(Jesse)

TW: Internalized Ableism

In my defense, I’ve never been in a secret club before.  I’ve never even been asked.  So, even though I love Lexie and we do everything together, I want this, too.  It’s hard to explain.

See, usually, I can fit in.  I can walk and no one knows I’m different.  They just think I run slow and have terrible coordination.  That’s all true.  It also feels better than the actual truth, sometimes.  I don’t like people knowing I have a disability.

If I look like I don’t, I can fit in better. 

I have no doubt that my leg will get back to how it was and maybe even better.  It’s the talking part that I don’t think I can do.  I mean, sure, I can talk, but to Sophia?  She’s so bossy and she wants me to leave Lexie out.

(But I kind of want to leave Lexie out.)

“Hey, what’s your problem?” Lexie asks.

“What?” I ask.  I haven’t even said one word.

“You have a look on your face.”

“Yeah, ‘cause it’s my face.”

“Mine, too.  And I know the face I make when something’s going on.”

“Nothing is,” I insist.

She closes her eyes and I can tell she’s in pain again.  “Fine.  When you feel like telling me, we’ll see if I feel like listening…”

Her eyes close and just like that she’s sleeping.

I feel even worse now.  Lexie and I are fighting and we never fight.  I’m not sure what I can do to make this better.  I’m not sure if I want to, because most of me just really wants to be in that secret club.

I spend all the rest of the day imagining the things they do in it.  I know they swim.  Oh, shoot.  I can’t do that yet either.  Oh, well.  I bet their secret clubhouse is Sophia’s cabin.  There’s no way to get inside with a wheelchair.

[Image: A big cabin with steps out front]

So, I guess Sophia wasn’t being mean, she was just saying that in order to be in the club we had to not use wheelchairs.  That makes sense, but why do I still feel wrong inside?

I bet they have secret meetings and a handshake and snacks and everything.  I bet they have club business and tell each other things that they aren’t allowed to tell anyone else.

It makes my stomach hurt thinking about Shane and Connor being in her club and not telling me.  Are they going to all be best friends now?

I have to be in that club.  I can’t lose Connor and Shane.  They are the only friends I have.  Lexie is a friendly person.  Everybody likes her.  She can make more friends, no problem.  But I really have to keep the ones I already have.  Especially because they’re also family.

I tell myself I’ll do whatever it takes to get better.  I have to.  I have no choice.

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Questions for Discussion:

Have you ever felt like Jesse and really wanted to fit in?

Has someone ever asked you to keep a secret from someone else?  What did you do?

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