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One of my biggest trauma triggers is the unexpected.
We've been quarantining since last March. Everything in life is pretty predictable.
Except my writing - or more aptly - others' responses to my writing.
My brain is pretty much set to Hope for the Best, But Prepare for the Worst most of the time. But there are times, when I dare to get excited about things.
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Last year when I posted a specific chapter to my middle grade novel. I was so excited, you guys.
Like...I don't get this excited.
But I was like, "I don't see this kind of honest representation anywhere. I'm so excited to validate my friends / communities' experiences."
I posted it, and got three messages about how upsetting the content was, and could I put a trigger warning on it for ableism?
(I guess that's what happens when you grow up like I did. I didn't necessarily think about cousins being mean to each other - and yes, ableist - as anything that could use a trigger warning. Not when I'm used to so much worse.)
Stuff like that is hard. Like, really hard. Because I go from, "I can't wait to share this" to "I've crushed my friends. I've harmed my community."
It devastated me.
Because, at my core, it made me feel like I could not trust my own judgment.
[Image: A blue coffee cup is on its side. Coffee is spilled all over paperwork, a pair of glasses, and perilously close to a calculator.]
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My recent post about taking an autism self-diagnosis test has proven to be another one of those things: I was like "Okay. This makes sense. So many things are clicking for me." I was nervous, but I was happy. Excited to share the good news.
In response, a couple friends cautioned me about tests like these.
I came away feeling doubted. Feeling wrong. Feeling like I should have never shared publicly about my discovery about myself in the first place.
Again, I felt devastated.
When I post writing - whether a blog post or a story, or whatever - it's a huge act of trust. It's a leap I'm not used to taking because I've spent so much of my life unable to be honest at all.
And again, usually, I gird myself for negative responses. So I'm ready if or when they come. But I didn't this time.
Things that are "givens" for most people are not for me. I don't assume I am believed. I don't assume people see my thoughts as valid. If people say nothing, I'm no worse for wear. But if you understand, if you believe me, if you think what I'm saying is valid, I need that to be explicitly stated.
(If you can. If you can't? Again, saying nothing means I am no worse for wear.)
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Twenty four hours or so on the other side of the latest trigger, I'm back in my rational brain.
So let me say this (to myself): It is always within another person's rights to assert a boundary. If they need a trigger warning, they are alerting you to something they need and trusting that you will take care of it, and prioritize their safety.
Also, self: It is completely within your friends' purview to extend caution. It's because they care about you. If you feel triggered, please, for the love of Pete, try to ask a question: "Did you mean that you don't believe me?" "Did you mean that I did something wrong?"
(I know asking questions is hard on your best day, not to mention when you are super triggered, but we are all about improvement and awareness, right?)
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To those of you reading - especially those of you who I hurt in the midst of my trauma spiral - I'm sorry.
I'm learning.
I will do better next time.
❤❤❤
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