Ask Disabled People For Consent Before Sharing Your Access / Ableism Rant

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We've all been there.

Somebody was just super ableist, or "nicely" ableist, or somewhere public was not as accessible as it should have been.

What do you do?

What human instinct leads all of us to do, I bet.

You tell your disabled friend, because we're the ones who "get it" the most.

But wait.

Before you video call, or text or rage tweet your disabled friend about how inaccessible an event is, I want to tell you a story.

***

A few months ago, a friend messaged us in exactly this moment.

They were somewhere and the access just wasn't up to par.  When they approached someone in charge about it?  This person was less than understanding.

[Image: Uncarpeted stairs and an unstable railing lead to an entryway littered with shoes and rugs.]

The friend came to Tara and I, and let out all of their feelings at the injustice of what had just happened in a flurry of Facebook messages. Tara and I were startled. To us, the rant came out of nowhere.

This was complicated further because our friend is nondisabled.  And I've since made no secret of the fact that hearing this person so angry about access barriers brought me right back to every moment in my life, when nondisabled family members had gone on similar rants.

One, in particular, was nudged awake.

I was in my twenties and had gone to support my youngest sibling on Track and Field Day.  Another family member (nondisabled) also stayed, and ended up commenting all day long on how inaccessible the outdoors of the elementary school was.

Because it was an outdoor event that lasted several hours, I was faced with various access barriers: grass, dirt, lack of curb cuts.  You name it, it was there.  But I was used to it.  I couldn't (and can't) get mad as a wheelchair user every time I can't get somewhere.  I'll have no energy left if I do.

But the family member with me?  They ranted all day, while pushing me, so their words about the lack of access rained down solely on my head.  For hours.  It didn't matter if I answered back.  My nondisabled family member's anger mattered.  That's what was centered.

By the time we were home, their anger had not blown over.

I tried to reason with them:

"I deal with this every single day.  It's fine.  Don't worry about it."

But their anger still took center stage:

"No!  This is wrong!  I can't believe it's like this!  I'm sending an email!"

***

The thing that gets missed in moments like this is that as the person with access needs?  As the person who has experienced access barriers and ableism my whole life?  I come away from that rant from a friend feeling like I am the problem.  Like it's my fault.

It brings back years of those old feelings.

After all, I was, historically, the reason that my nondisabled family would notice and get mad about access barriers.  

So it can get tricky, especially when you are nondisabled and want to share about how the public was inaccessible to your loved one.  

***

Thankfully, in most of my friendships, we ask for consent before sharing an access or ableism rant (especially the nondisabled friends -- but even the disabled ones!)  We know that by sharing with each other we may be unearthing a lifetime of pain, and we want to be sure that the other person at least gets the opportunity to consent.

The disabled / nondisabled (and neurotypical / neurodivergent) cultural divide is complicated to navigate at best. We have definitely had bumps in the road -- particularly in interabled friendships.

But with awareness and care, these friendships can be kept.

When we mentioned to our friend that we'd appreciate being asked before they shared such a rant again?  We saw this in response:

"So sorry about that.  I will do better next time."

***

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