Parenting Kids with Disabilities: What Ableism Looks Like

625 words

5 minute read

Previously on Summer Blog Series 2017: Introduction / Accepting Your Child's Diagnosis / Helping Your Kids Accept Their Diagnosis / Accepting a Subsequent Diagnosis / Presuming Competence / Surgery / Adaptive Equipment / Public Interaction / Adapting / What You Can't See (Invisible Aspects of CP) / What Ableism Looks Like / Identity / Inclusion vs. Accommodation / Community / Advocacy / Autonomy and Consent / Conclusion

Dear Parents,

Ableism.

It's an -ism lesser known
Less understood
Because it's less discussed.
So let's do it.
Let's talk about it.
This ableism -
What is it -
Exactly?

Ableism is
Discrimination
Against
Disabled
People.

Your kids
With disabilities
Face it every day.

It looks like
Someone mocking
Your child for how
Their disability
Makes them look
Or move
Or speak.

It looks like
Someone dismissing
Your child's word
Because their disability
Means society
Does not take them seriously.

It looks like a pastor
Taking away your child's mobility aids
And insisting
They walk without them.
It's when that pastor
Prays for healing -
For your child to be delivered
Of something that actually shapes
Your child
Into being who they are.

It looks like
A high school kid taking something
Away from your kid
Without consent
And leaving
Because they know
Your kid can't go after them
To get it back.

It's the aide in middle school who
Makes your child feel alienated.
Who reports back to you if
They do something the aide
Does not approve of.
It's making your kid feel
Like there is a double-standard
In place.
One for the other kids,
And one for them,
Because they're disabled.

It's the teacher in elementary school
Who denies your child ribbons on
Track and Field Day,
Because events need to be
Modified.
Because your child
Has a disability.
They offer stickers instead.
Your child feels slapped.
Degraded.

It's when a therapist mocks
Your child's walk.

It's when your child's "no"
Is disregarded.

It's when your child is called
Lazy.  Uncaring.  Inattentive.
When the reality is
Their disability is
Invisible.

It's when your child's adaptive equipment is
"Too heavy."

It's when your child's negative
(But completely valid)
Feelings
Are written off as a symptom
And not treated as legitimate.

It's when your child is regarded
As a list of symptoms.
As broken.  As damaged.
As flawed.
As less valuable.
As less than whole.

It's when your child is blamed
For an inability to control their bodies.
When their actions are viewed as
Misbehavior.  As intentionally
Aggravating.
When, in fact, they are trying
So hard, always,
To stay in control.

It's when a stranger asks "What's wrong with him?"
Or, "Did you know before you had him?"
Or says, "She's too pretty to be in a wheelchair,"
Right in front of your child.
Or pushes that wheelchair
(With your child in it.
Without asking.)
Without regard for the fear they are striking
In your child at that moment.

It's when media constantly paints your child
As a burden.
And being disabled
As the worst fate ever.

[Image: Tonia, smiling with a flourless chocolate torte...clearly not the worst fate ever.]

It is loud
Like your child being called
The R-word.
Like your child being hurt
For what they can't help.

It's quiet
Like your child being ignored
When they try to engage
Other kids
And even, sometimes,
Grown ups.

It's when your child
Can't prove they know something
So, it's assumed they don't.
It's when this assumption
That
"They don't understand,"
Is used as permission
To overshare and disrespect.

It's when your child
Is not believed
When they need to be
Believed.

So...

Celebrate your child
For the way adaptive equipment helps them
For their unique way of moving
For finding a way to communicate that works for them.

Take your child
With a disability
Seriously.

Know that supporting your child
And respecting your child
Are not the same thing.

Make sure your child
Experiences both
From you.

Because your child's words are
Valid.
They are
Valued.
They should be protected
And know
Always
That they are enough
And whole.

Believe in them
And believe
Them.

***

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