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It's stunning to me that even today, I see parents discussing how nondisabled children get "assigned" to play with their disabled kids. Where things like giving a disabled child a nondisabled "buddy" is considered widely positive, with no real consideration of the possible danger.
In fact, I have yet to read anything that adequately describes this phenomenon from a disabled point of view, so I decided to interview my twin sister, Tara, and another friend (who wishes to remain anonymous.) Both have a primary diagnosis of CP and both have experienced forced friendships.
I chose to interview both of them, in an effort to show that the danger of forced friendships is not a one-off. It does not exist in a vacuum.
It's common.
And I'm so grateful to these two for their candor on the subject.
***
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| [Tara, left, and Tonia, right, dressed in winter jackets and scarves. Second grade.] |
TW: mention of repeated physical and sexual assault of a child
FORCED FRIENDSHIP IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL:
TONIA SAYS: If you’re comfortable, share a little about what your life was like around the time you first experienced forced friendship with a nondisabled peer?
TARA: As a child, I had undiagnosed situational mutism - a severe anxiety disorder that, for me, meant that I could not speak to people I did not live with. (Speaking to adults one-on-one was slightly easier.) By the age of 4, the recommendation was to normalize nondisabled peer contact. By the age of 7, I’d experienced six moves and five different schools. I had sessions during school with a music therapist, and a social worker had assessed me.
As part of music therapy, I had to invite classmates - one at a time - to my session to practice talking.
***
TONIA SAYS: (As you’re comfortable) Talk about your experience being forced into friendship with a nondisabled peer? Why is it dangerous?
TARA: The practice sessions in music therapy soon gave way to this idea that I was going to host a sleepover with a single classmate as my guest. My music therapist facilitated invitations with me sitting silently by. She’d ask, “Do you want to invite So-And-So to your sleepover?” And I’d nod indiscriminately, attempting to shorten the painful process.
The classmate I ended up hosting was cheerful and outgoing around others, but in private, she physically overpowered me. Over the next nearly 24 hours, she assaulted me physically and sexually multiple times. When my mom checked on us, my classmate assured her that we were doing fine and having fun playing, exploiting my inability to speak.
***
TONIA SAYS: There’s always another way to do things, as we know, being disabled. Instead of a forced friendship, what would have helped you?
TARA: Honestly, just about anything else would have been better.
***
TONIA SAYS: It seems hugely negligent - despicable in fact - that adults in your life failed to ensure your safety. It seems like they were more concerned with treating a symptom than addressing an underlying issue. Or -- correct me if I’m wrong -- trying to make you more “normal?”
TARA: It’s a huge misconception among parents of disabled kids that we need nondisabled friendships to be healthy and happy. Sometimes, this is taken even further. It’s insinuated that friendships with fellow disabled kids teach us bad habits and make us stick out. This both reinforces internalized ableism and that inherent power imbalance in friendships with nondisabled children.
***
TONIA SAYS: If you could say anything to nondisabled parents, and professionals who work in the school system, what would you tell them in regards to forced friendships?
TARA: Forced friendships with nondisabled peers makes abuse of some kind not only possible but probable.
***
TW: mention of emotional abuse and harassment of a child
FORCED FRIENDSHIP IN MIDDLE SCHOOL:
TONIA SAYS: If you’re comfortable, share a little about what your life was like around the time you first experienced forced friendship with a nondisabled peer?
ANONYMOUS: I had just made the transition from elementary school to middle school. Because of my disability, I was forced to go to the only accessible middle school in our district without stairs. As a result I was separated from all my friends I had grown up with. So here I was at a new school, knowing absolutely no one.
It was at this time also I developed severe panic attacks that impacted my school life. The teachers didn’t understand the situation and assumed that my panic attacks were the result of not having friends in my new school.
So their solution was to find new friends for me.
***
TONIA SAYS: (As you’re comfortable) Talk about your experience being forced into friendship with a nondisabled peer? Why is it dangerous?
ANONYMOUS: Unfortunately, I did not click with the person I was set up with to become friends. Even after I had made my own friends I was continually grouped with this person and felt forced to keep up a “friendship” that I did not want.
Because of my anxiety, I did not know how to get myself out of it. This person had been put into all my classes with me. I felt trapped.
This forced friendship continued through my entire middle school life and even into high school, and as time went on this person made me increasingly uncomfortable. They became possessive and manipulative, and I began to experience several forms of harassment once I did try to break the friendship off.
It wasn’t until almost a decade later I was finally able to safely get away from this person.
***
TONIA SAYS: There’s always another way to do things, as we know, being disabled. Instead of a forced friendship, what would have helped you?
ANONYMOUS: Instead of forced friendships, I wish the adults in my life had taken the time to learn about what I was going through, and to get the right help I needed to manage my panic attacks. I needed coping strategies and emotional support, not help making friends.
Building friendships was never a struggle for me, and they were not the source for my panic attacks. Forcing me into a friendship I did not want solved nothing, and in fact may have put me in danger with an unsafe person.
***
TONIA SAYS: It seems hugely negligent - despicable in fact - that adults in your life failed to ensure your safety. It seems like they were more concerned with treating a symptom than addressing an underlying issue. Or -- correct me if I’m wrong -- trying to make you more “normal?”
ANONYMOUS: I think for sure they were most concerned with treating symptoms and getting me back to “normal” but overall, they had failed to recognize that there was even an underlying mental health problem present in the first place.
***
TONIA SAYS: If you could say anything to nondisabled parents, and professionals who work in the school system, what would you tell them in regards to forced friendships pairing disabled kids with nondisabled kids?
ANONYMOUS: Forcing children into friendships is a recipe for disaster. They are not formed by genuine connection or interest, and more times than not, set a disabled child up to be taken advantage of or abused by their peers.
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