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When a friend of mine read this excerpt of my current novel, her reaction was huge. And she recognized, as a fellow disabled person, how momentous it was for a disabled character to be able to utter the words, "I can't."
That led to a pretty deep discussion and that led us to discussing the possibility for a blog post, and that led Tara to suggesting that we talk to more of our disabled friends and acquaintances to find out their relationship with the phrase, "I can't."
So many friends volunteered and their responses were so good that I decided to share their interviews individually.
Here's mine:
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| [A black and white photo shows Tonia, her head in her hand. She's not smiling.] |
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Were you allowed to say “I can’t” when you were growing up?
TONIA: I think, especially in physical therapy (from ages two to twelve) I was not listened to when I said, “I can’t.” I was instantly told, “Yes, you can.”
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What do you mean as a person with a disability when you say, “I can’t?” (Are there cultural nuances to the phrase that get misunderstood?)
TONIA: “I can’t,” for me, means I literally cannot physically do what’s asked of me. Sometimes because of my CP and sometimes even because of my C-PTSD.
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What risks or vulnerabilities exist in saying “I can’t” as a disabled person?
TONIA: At worst? Assault.
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Do you have any memories of saying or wanting to say, “I can’t?” How was this limit received?
TONIA: I rarely said, “I can’t”, but when pushed to walk with one crutch while carrying something in my free hand and being screamed at the entire time. My spasticity kicked with the stress of the situation and I fell on my knees. I was pulled to my feet by my hair and told to “stand the **** up!”
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What message was conveyed to you because of moments like this?
TONIA: I felt worthless and degraded. I felt deeply misunderstood and deeply unloved.
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Have your experiences contributed to the way you set or struggle to set boundaries?
TONIA: The first time I set boundaries as an adult, it was terrifying, and led to rounds of harassment on and off for years. We still occasionally deal with this, but do our best to keep our boundaries in place.
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Anything more you’d like to add?
TONIA: When a disabled person communicates a limit, practice believing them and offering help, rather than pushing them to ignore it.
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UNPACKING "I CAN'T" SERIES. INTERVIEWS WITH:
Tonya….
ReplyDeleteNot everybody can do everything. I think it is actually healthy to occasionally say the words ‘I can’t’, because as a non-athletic person, if I ran marathons, {for example}, I would kill myself. But I think it is also important to say the words ‘I will try’, because as a learning challenged individual, I’m finally beginning to believe, {slowly but surely}, that ‘you can’t say can’t unless you try’!! Okay…. If I try, and my challenged brain somehow will not allow it, then I can say ‘I can’t’. You need to know your limitations, {I am way too familiar with mine}, while simultaneously you need to realize what your abilities are!! Not everybody can do everything. :)
Peace and Love, Mary Lou
In some cases, though, even trying is unfair to ask, when the thing being asked of you is impossible.
DeleteTonya….
DeleteYou have a valid point. Happy holidays!! ;)
Peace and Love, Mary Lou