Unpacking "I Can't": An Interview with Anonymous

799 words

6 minute read

This week's "I Can't" post comes with no name but lots and lots of wisdom! I found myself nodding along to every answer, and I especially loved the response to the last question.

Here's what this week's guest has to say:

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Were you allowed to say “I can’t” when you were growing up?

ANON:  Generally, no. “I can’t” was treated as a swear word around me by doctors and physical therapists and other adults. From a young age, I was taught those words were not allowed to the point where I was reprimanded immediately or ignored for using them. 

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What do you mean when you say, “I can’t?” (Are there cultural nuances to the phrase that get misunderstood?)

ANON:  Saying “I can’t” I was asking for help. I can’t do this alone. I need help. It was typically said from a place of anxiety and intense fear. But adults didn’t understand. They viewed my “I can’t” as defiance, a refusal to do the thing that was asked. I was often scolded for “not even trying” or given a flat “yes you can” in response. 

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What risks or vulnerabilities exist in saying “I can’t” as a disabled person?

ANON:  Saying “I can’t” you are generally risking the person’s anger or possible punishment, even manipulation or other forms of emotional abuse. If you are expressing a need for help or accommodation, within that “I can’t” you are at their mercy hoping they will provide the assistance you need. 

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[A self-portrait of Anonymous. She is smiling slightly and has brown hair and glasses. She is holding a pencil.]

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Do you have any memories of saying or wanting to say, “I can’t?” How was this limit received?

ANON:  I have several, but one stands out. 

I was in adaptive horseback riding. One day as I was mounting my horse, my foot got stuck behind the saddle as I went to swing my leg around the horse to get on. I tried for several moments to free myself, clinging to the reins and horn for balance, before desperately saying, “I can’t get up.”  to my helpers. Everything stopped. 

What did you just say? One of them shot back at me. 

I tried to explain that I couldn’t get my leg around. That my foot was wedged behind the saddle. That it was impossible for me to get it out on my own. That I’d already tried before saying “I can’t.” 

So what do you say instead? 

“Please help me!” I managed to beg. 

Once they had freed me and I was safely up on my horse I was praised for using the “correct words” and asking for help rather than saying “I can’t.” 

See you can do it! They praised me.

But the thing is? I didn’t do it. It was only because of them that I had gotten my foot free. I hadn’t done it myself. They’d forced me to plead and ask nicely for assistance, in a way that made them comfortable, rather than accept what I was already communicating by using “I can’t”  

Hearing this message from such a young age, it was easy to overgeneralize and feel like I was never allowed to say “I can’t” or disagree in any situation. If someone asked me to do something, I was supposed to do it, and do it with a smile. I was taught to people-please.  

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What does it mean when disabled people grow up unable to express an inability to do something?

ANON:  Disabled people are taught in so many little ways that our bodies do not belong to us. That we are not allowed to have boundaries or to say no to the people that “know best for us.” 

Unfortunately, this is directly linked to compliance culture and more times than not leads to assault and abuse of disabled children and adults who were never taught boundaries or consent in the first place.

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Have your experiences contributed to the way you set or struggle to set boundaries?

ANON:  I do struggle setting healthy boundaries still today. Not only because I was never taught how, but the internal messages I received as a child were that having limits was not allowed.

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Anything more you’d like to add?

ANON:  Saying I can’t is more than just defiance or reluctance to try. “I can’t” is generally the first word - sometimes the only word - we have children to express a boundary or a limit, physical or otherwise. 

All children need to be able to say no, stop, or “I can’t” when they feel uncomfortable. It is the adult’s job to figure out why and not just assume.
This is especially true for disabled children who are much more likely to experience assault and abuse because of their disability. 

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Want more? Here's Anon's blog post about this topic:

I Don’t Know How to Say No