13 Reasons Why: Alex's Relationship with His Dad

2,455 words

19 minute read

TWs: GIF warning

Mentions suicide attempt

Spoilers for 13RW through season 4

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List of episodes referenced in this post:

1x06, 4:33 - 3:21 remaining

2x01, 50:10 - 48:40 remaining

2x04, 11:00 - 9:04 remaining, 

TW: allusion to suicide attempt

3x11, 29:51 - 28:22 remaining, 

TW: restraint

3x13, 20:26 - 18:12 remaining, 

TW for talk about suicide attempt

4x04, 17:12 - 14:45 remaining, 

TW: talk of near drowning

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Alex's relationship with his dad is nothing if not complicated.  In fact, we'll see it has completely changed following Alex's suicide attempt at the end of season 1.  

In addition to discussing wider representation issues like hemparesis and certain scenes like Alex climbing the courthouse steps, Tara and I also wanted to make sure we discussed the dynamics Alex has with different characters in the show.

And because his dad is such an influence in Alex's life, we thought we'd start there.

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[Image description: A gif of Alex and his dad talking in 2x01.

Alex: We promised each other we'd go back together, and she's going back tomorrow.

Bill: Okay, but we were thinking more like a week, maybe two?]

Prior to Alex’s brain injury (Season 1), his dad (Bill, a deputy in the sheriff’s department) is very all-business with him.  Alex and Bill don’t really have a relationship.  Alex listens and says, “Yes, sir,” and Bill talks.

Four months after Alex’s injury when we see Alex and Bill again, their dynamic has notably shifted.  Bill is softer.  Alex is able to talk to him about things that matter and Bill listens to him. (2x01, 50:10 - 48:40 remaining)

Can we talk about this shift that happens?

TARA: This is definitely an aspect that part of me struggles with. Bill in Seasons 2 - 4 regularly refers to Alex as “Buddy,” which on one hand can definitely feel dismissive and infantilizing to a 16 or 17-year-old with a brain injury.

On the other hand, I don’t necessarily 100% always get patronization vibes from Bill. I feel like he realizes that he got a second chance with his son, and that he wants to parent him with more care than he had previously shown. 

One of the things I enjoy most about 13’s portrayal of brain injury is the space that it gives for nuanced representation. And it’s also why, even without confirmation, I’m fairly certain that there was a brain injury survivor in that writer’s room. 

TONIA: This shift from Bill is like night and day.  His use of “buddy” is definitely borderline infantilizing, at least to me.

On the other hand, I do feel like perhaps Alex’s injury was a wake-up call for Bill.  Does he want kids that “yes, sir” him all the time?  Or does he want a relationship with them?

I think in that regard, the shift is a good thing, because Bill is not leaning into his hardass mode, he makes himself more approachable, and available for Alex to talk to, if he needs to.

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In 2x04, Alex arrives home after skipping school with Jessica.  Alex’s mom says it’s normal for teenagers to skip school.  His dad makes a comment about everything Alex will have to do if he ever wants to be normal again. Alex is rightly upset and yells that he’s sorry he’ll never be normal enough to please his dad.  

After Alex leaves the room, Bill and Carolyn speak further and it’s clear Bill blames himself. (2x04, 11:00 - 9:04 remaining; TW: allusion to suicide attempt)

TONIA:  Can we talk more about this scene?  It seems rare to have this kind of insight into parents’ perspectives.

TARA: Oftentimes, I think we get too much of the parent’s perspective. And there’s not enough focus on the harm that even “well-meaning” comments wanting a child to overcome disability can cause. 

TONIA:  Yes, for sure!  I meant to say that we don't get to see one parent encourage another to accept their disabled child's limits, in a healthy way.  That's what I find rare.

And I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on this scene, Tara.

TARA:  In these scenes, whenever Alex is in the room, the camera stays with him. And while we do see a brief interaction with his parents, Bill’s ableism is tempered with Carolyn cautioning him toward acceptance of their son’s disability. 

It is also worth noting that, while Bill’s guilt and grief are present, they are not central. They are part of the story; they are not the whole story.

Later, in Alex’s room, we see his sadness, anger, frustration and hurt at his dad’s words. He slams his door and swipes some items off a dresser. He punches a hole in his wall. But his parents don’t swoop in to intervene. Alex is allowed to express himself and have his feelings, and we as an audience are not led toward pity or fear with an ominous soundtrack. 

TONIA:  Yes, and there’s the fact that throughout the show, we see other characters do exactly the same thing.  Clay and Justin, in particular, have also both been angry and sad and made messes in their room, without parental intervention.  So, I think the coinciding representation of this as “teenage frustration” helps to detract from pigeon-holing Alex’s valid frustration as something that is exclusively “because his brain injury made him violent.”

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In 3x11 (29:51 - 28:22 remaining, TW: restraint), Bill holds Alex back when he finds him in the ring boxing.  “One wrong hit, and you’ll never walk again. You’ll never speak. Is that what you want?”  Alex says, “Maybe.”

Can we talk about the nuance in this scene.  Dignity of risk?  Restraint?  Are Bill’s actions justified?  (Is restraint ever?)  Would there be an alternative way for Bill to ensure Alex’s safety here?  Should he?

TARA: So, Alex is carrying a dark secret that is causing him to act recklessly. The depression that led to his suicide attempt is a factor. So is drug use. Both of these things impact Alex’s brain chemistry and TBI.

I’ll try to address each point separately:

Dignity of risk: So, I believe we’ll be doing an entire post on Alex and dignity of risk. But in this scene, we see Alex choosing to box despite not being cleared by his doctor. He is risking a subsequent brain injury by doing so. As a teenager, I’d expect him to be taking certain risks. But as a minor, Bill is right to intervene for safety’s sake, in my opinion.

TONIA:  I’d say the fact that Bill intervenes here makes it clear that he values Alex’s life.  Which seems like a low bar, but a lot of media does not even do this.  Also, if a typical teenager were risking his life in a boxing ring (boxing without a helmet, for example, regardless of a doctor’s advice against it) I would hope that someone would intervene.  So, I  agree, Bill was right to step in.

TARA:  Restraint: Let’s cut to the chase. Restraint is never okay. Prone restraint, in particular, has caused the deaths of Autistic children. We don’t see that type of restraint here. Bill is right to intervene, but wrong in the way he goes about it - physically restraining Alex from behind. 

Alternatives: Another way to de-escalate the situation might have been directing Alex’s opponent to leave the ring, and then sitting and talking him down.

TONIA:  This is a really good point.  I’ve watched the scene several times, and I’ve never thought about having Alex’s opponent leave the ring.  But it’s so obvious.

TARA:  I think it is also important to mention that this scene plays out the way it does - with the audience seeing Alex’s strength and ability to briefly overpower a fully-grown man - to plant seeds for the reveal at the end of Season 3. That Alex has become strong enough to (spoiler alert) kill his classmate and serial rapist Bryce, by pushing him off of a dock and into freezing water.

It’s a plot device.

So, this scene definitely has its problems.

TONIA: It does.  It’s never easy to watch and it’s one that just feels unnecessary.  As a writer, I feel like, there always (or should always) be a way to tell a story that respects the dignity of disabled people.  

This scene walks that line.

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In episode 3x13 (20:26 - 18:12 remaining, TW for talk about suicide attempt), Bill comes to Alex and says the case is closed and another boy, Monty, killed Bryce.  Bill tells Alex, “I wish the bullet were in my head instead.”

We know, in Season 1, Alex told his friends his dad is the type to sweep things under the rug, so his choice is not altogether out of character here.

Still, it begs discussing.  How do we feel about Bill covering for Alex?

TONIA:  I’ll be honest, I have always struggled with the idea of Bill covering for Alex.  It’s such a blatant misuse of power.  However, I do appreciate that it’s an established fact that Bill has been this way since before Alex’s injury.  That it’s not just because Alex is disabled now, that Bill feels like he needs protecting.

How do you feel about it, Tara?

TARA: Personally, I feel that sweeping things under the rug is different from actively covering up a crime (ignoring / burning evidence). 

TONIA:  Point taken.  Perhaps, I overgeneralized by universalizing Alex's dad letting him slide on a speeding ticket with this because on the surface both things are illegal.

TARA:  Bill has experienced almost losing Alex to suicide. I think he can’t stand the idea of losing him again - either to incarceration or because Alex’s depression may worsen dangerously leading him to attempt or commit suicide in jail. I would argue that disability did play a role in Bill’s decision. 

In Season 1, (1x06, 4:33 - 3:21) Bill speaks to Alex following a fist fight at school. Alex had insisted Monty fight him after Monty had driven recklessly into a crowd of other students, nearly hitting several, including Alex. While Bill was pleased that Alex received no disciplinary action, he also mentioned, “You paid a price. That’s what we gotta do sometimes,” referring to the injuries Alex suffered in the fight. 

Post-suicide attempt, Bill becomes overprotective of Alex. He dotes on him. It’s clear that he views his son as fragile, worrying about Alex keeping his door open and not allowing him to play violent video games. By telling Alex, “I wish the bullet were in my head instead,” I hear Bill’s guilt. He feels responsible not only for the suicide attempt, but for Alex’s subsequent actions in killing Bryce. And because he feels to blame, he goes to great lengths to protect Alex from facing repercussions. 

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Is this connected to dignity of risk? (Bill swooping and allowing Alex to avoid responsibility?)

TONIA:  I'd say it is, yes!

TARA: This is obviously an extreme example (murder and the cover-up of one). But I do think there’s a conversation to be had about the role parental guilt and problematic disability attitudes (read: ableism) play in the lives of kids and teens with disabilities. The instinct is to protect them and to soften things for them, particularly because of the belief that their lives must already be so difficult due to existing with a disability. 

Part of the dignity of risk is the dignity involved in facing and dealing with the consequences of said risk. The consequences of this “risk” are extreme. A trial and navigating the legal system (which, of course, only works for certain kinds of people). I would be remiss if I didn’t mention privilege here: being a white male, Alex would experience a certain amount of privilege. However, we saw in Season 2 that Alex was not even able to testify in Bakers vs the Evergreen County School District. Systemic ableism would surely play a part in his trial and incarceration experiences. (Police brutality disproportionately affects people with disabilities - but particularly disabled people of color.)  Alex does not have to deal with any of this, due to his dad’s position and abuse of power.

***

In 4x04 (17:12 - 14:45 remaining, TW: talk of near drowning), Alex tells his dad he almost drowned, which makes him think about killing Bryce by the same means.  He’s feeling terrible guilt and wants to confess.  Bill says: “You deserve your life.  I love you and I always will. And you don’t have to do a damn thing to earn that but be exactly who you are, and live the best life you can.”

What do we think about this conversation?

TONIA: I think this conversation shows deep trust between Alex and his dad.  That Alex can not only confess that he almost drowned but that he wants to confess about killing Bryce and know that his dad will hear him.

While very complicated, Bill telling Alex, “You deserve your life.  I love you and I always will,” that tells the audience that being disabled is not the worst fate ever.  It tells the audience that disabled people aren’t perfect and that our lives still have value.  Just as nondisabled people sometimes make huge mistakes, they are allowed to go on.

TARA: If nothing else, these lines being said to a disabled person by their nondisabled parent is nothing short of revolutionary representation:  “I love you and I always will. And you don’t have to do a damn thing to earn that but be exactly who you are, and live the best life you can.”  Show nondisabled parents how to love their disabled kids, Bill! 

Aside from those lines, though? Honestly, I usually cringe and feel conflicted while watching this scene, mostly due to Bill’s tone of voice. I’m torn between feeling like he’s giving his son a soft place to fall during a vulnerable moment and feeling outraged and patronized on Alex’s behalf. 

TONIA: And as you mentioned earlier, I do think there is something to be said about white privilege here.  Because by now, we’ve seen several people of color in Alex’s class in their interactions with police.  They rarely are allowed to have parents present, they are dissuaded from asking for a lawyer.  They are treated with brutality. 

But it’s clear that because Bill is white and holds a position of power, he can use that power to shield his son.

I don't think we can ignore that.

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Have you seen 13 Reasons Why on Netflix?  

Did reading our conversation about Alex and his dad help you realize anything or notice anything you hadn't registered before?  

We'd love to hear from you in the comments.

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