2,187 words
17 minute read
TW: GIF Warning
2x01, 38:49 - 37:20 remaining
TW: reference to suicide note, ableism
2x02, 51:39 - 50:43 remaining
TW: ableism
2x11, 29:44 - 26:49 remaining
TW: large fist fight, homophobic language, reference to suicide, pulled fire alarm
2x12, 51:53 - 50:29 remaining
TW: allusion to suicide attempt
2x13, 29:54 - 28:08 remaining
TW: ableism, discussion of masturbation
3x01, 49:53 - 49:00 remaining
4x01, 9:15 - 7:39 remaining
TW: heights
4x04, 25:13 - 22:20 remaining
TW: underage drinking, near drowning, fear
4x10, 1:21:53 - 1:19:36 remaining
TW: underage drinking
***
Alex’s friendship with Zach is complicated at best. There are many aspects of their interactions that are cringeworthy but realistic, and that beg discussion. That’s a lot of what you’ll see here.
While Alex has a number of friendships, this one may be the most fraught with obvious disabled / nondisabled cultural clashes -- which are further exacerbated because Alex is new to being disabled and often unsure how to navigate Zach’s many attempts to help.
Tara and I look forward to delving into this friendship and we hope you’ll read along. Feel free to check out the correlating scenes (on Netflix) if you can safely do so.
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| [Image: Alex and Zach hide out behind an office desk and peer over its edge.] |
In the hallway at school in 2x01, Zach grabs Alex bodily and tries to physically hurry him along, to avoid an interaction with antagonist, Bryce. Alex objects, “I can’t turn that fast.”
In 2x02, Alex makes jokes about not giving Zach sexual favors as a response to needing so much help. Moments later, Zach sees Bryce and urges Alex to use the side entrance, but Alex says “It’s way further and I get tired easy.” Zach insists, “I’ll carry you,” and tries to physically pick Alex up until Alex puts distance between them himself.
Why does this resonate? Why are scenes like these important?
TARA: There’s definitely a sense of entitlement or ownership around disabled bodies, which are largely seen as inconveniences to nondisabled individuals. It’s difficult to justify the portrayal of nonconsensual grabbing or coerced movement (especially without it being addressed). I guess I would say that seeing moments like this have the potential to be the first step in recognizing that this is not okay.
TONIA: I think these scenes resonate because this kind of thing is common as a disabled person. We are handled by nondisabled people all the time. It is difficult, because of the inherent power imbalance, to object and keep ourselves safe.
As Alex doesn’t have the element of physical strength here, he has to use what he does have to put Zach off from handling him.
A more subtle aspect of the scene is that Alex is using humor to deflect about the help he now needs. If they can joke about it, Zach is happy, if Zach is happy, Alex has access to the help he needs. When we are in uncomfortable situations, or situations where the power is imbalanced, nondisabled people are told, "Just leave."
But we can't.
Often our unsafe situation is our own home. It's teachers or peers at school. There isn't an escape, so we must learn to cope somehow. Learn to survive where we are, because we have no other choice.
So, sometimes that means using self-depricating humor. Laughing at jokes that we are the butt of. Or joking in a way that we normally wouldn't.
Needless to say, I really appreciate that this subtlety is here.
***
Throughout the rest of Season 2, we see Zach using Alex by inserting himself “helpfully” into all sorts of situations (PT, carrying items etc) while refusing to admit publicly to having a friendship with him. Have you ever experienced anything like this?
What do you think about “13” taking the time to tell this particular story with regard to disability?
TARA: Being used for any reason sucks. But being used as a pity project or as someone’s good deed and subsequent ego boost sucks in a very specific way. I’d hazard to guess that many to most disabled people experienced this. I have a few times. Once, I had my name and diagnosis outed by a former friend for the purposes of fundraising. Another time, a neighbor who volunteered to drive me to work became the focus of a feel-good local news story. The neighbor received $500 in airline vouchers. I (again) had my name and diagnosis outed.
I like that “13” has taken the time to tell this particular story, because we don’t often see it represented. More often, disabled people are the ones in need of help, while nondisabled people are centered and praised as helpers. We don’t see how it feels for disabled people to be used in this way. (And if you read about Alex's birthday or watched that episode, the pain of this type of exploitation is profound.)
TONIA: I think there is this common misconception out there that help equals friendship. The consensus reached by my really ableist teacher in fourth grade was that I had “many friends.”
I didn’t.
I had one friend who I liked hanging out with. The rest were assigned to help me. And knowing the rest were obligated? It never felt good, even if they seemed to want to help me.
Because, again, it was one direction and the power dynamic was skewed. I’d say it’s skewed here, too. Zach never asks Alex if he wants help, he just takes his bag (for example.) That’s a big way to throw off a disabled person’s balance.
The situation differs here because Zach and Alex had a friendship before Alex’s suicide attempt, and afterward Zach begins to use ‘helping Alex’ as a reason to avoid antagonist, Bryce. But it takes a while for their friendship to...grow back? (What are words?) When it does, it looks different.
I would say, though, that it is a common theme throughout season 2 that Alex’s friends don’t say they’re with him. We see, with classmate Tyler, that his dad actively encourages him to seek out “other friends” for fear that Alex’s mental health struggles may affect his son.
There’s a lot going on here, and it’s difficult to narrow down.
***
In 2x12, Zach arrives in Alex’s room, freaked out, with Alex’s mom. Alex wakes up after sleeping hard.
Zach: This is what I woke up to this morning: [Reads Alex’s texts] “I have a gun. I have a bullet. I figured it all out.” You can’t text this shit to people then fall asleep! The last time you didn’t answer my calls and texts… Alex: I was going to explain more, but my thumbs got tired.
What do we notice or want to comment about in this scene?
TONIA: What stands out to me is after Zach establishes that Alex is okay and shares his feelings and fears with Alex, he does sit down and hear him out. While not intentional, he does end up adapting for Alex’s tired thumbs with a face to face conversation to get the information Alex was trying to communicate.
Tara? What stands out for you?
TARA: I do love the honest communication on Zach’s part. More than that, though, I’m almost giddy at the representation of fatigue after an activity that most nondisabled people would not deem fatigue-worthy.
I love that we see Zach misinterpreting the situation in part because he doesn’t understand this aspect of Alex’s brain injury.
TONIA: Oh, I hadn’t thought of that!
***
In 2x13, Alex mentions feeling worried about dancing with Jessica at an upcoming school dance. He doesn’t want to sit the entire time but that “if I try to dance, I think I’ll just fall over.”
Zach offers suggestions, but Alex shrugs each off, not comfortable with any of them. Zach then says, “I am sick of your ‘poor-me’ attitude. This one’s easy, stand up.” He ignores Alex’s protests that it’s embarrassing and insists he put the video game controller down, pulling him to his feet in order to teach Alex some adaptive dance moves.
Can we talk about the portrayal here? How do we feel seeing Alex’s worries about the dance? How does Zach ‘helping’ Alex land with each of us?
TARA: Alex’s worries are valid. His bodymind does work differently now, and this is his first school dance post-brain injury. (It took me over 10 years to feel comfortable dancing after mine!)
TONIA: I think it would be easy for audiences to watch this scene and be ‘touched’ by Zach helping Alex, but I see another instance of Zach ignoring Alex’s limits. Ignoring his “no.” He’s steeped in really toxic ideas about disability and makes no secret of sharing those views with Alex.
He doesn’t take Alex seriously, or know what it’s like to approach or contemplate dancing with a date with hemiparesis and all it entails. Zach is nondisabled. Of course it’s “easy” for him.
Some of the most toxically positive things -- that really stick with me -- involve nondisabled people around me minimizing my valid difficulties.
TARA: Agreed, Tonia. Zach’s minimizing of Alex’s concerns is hard to watch. I’m definitely not a fan of the nonconsensual grabbing or any of the other ableist stuff that’s happening.
Do I think that this scene would have been more realistic with Alex getting these dance tips from another disabled person? Absolutely.
TONIA: Yes! Agreed!
TARA: However… A huge part of disabled culture involves experimentation when it comes to figuring out how to do something, whether it can be done independently, whether further accommodations or adaptations might be needed, or to determine that an activity is currently or permanently unattainable. So, while Zach is right in encouraging this aspect, the way he went about it was cringeworthy, in my opinion.
***
In 3x01, Zach comes to school injured and on crutches. Alex offers to take Zach’s bag, and Zach turns him down.
Nondisabled people are often uncomfortable accepting help from disabled people. Let’s discuss this.
TONIA: There so seems to be an inherent discomfort on the part of nondisabled people in accepting help from disabled people. Zach turning down Alex’s offer of help did not surprise me at all. Maybe because my own memory of offering help to a nondisabled person and it going...weird...stands out in my mind.
When I was in my 20s, I worked as a counselor at a Bible camp. One of my coworkers (who I’ve referred to as Callie) was very big on helping me out. Even offering to piggyback me through the woods in the dark.
One afternoon, though, when she was clearly stressed and we were in the midst of some hot days, I asked if there was any way I could help her. She said no. I noticed her water bottle was empty and offered to fill it, as we were very close to the dining hall, and the water fountain inside. Callie said no.
I should have respected her no. I know that now.
I didn’t. I said, “It’ll just take me a minute, I’ll be right back.” I took it, filled it, and returned it to her.
She looked physically pained as she said, “I told you, you didn’t have to do that.”
I assured her, “I know. I wanted to.”
But it didn’t matter. Accepting help from me -- one of two to three disabled members -- was out of the question.
Callie wasn’t thankful for my help (not that she owed me gratitude), she was deeply uncomfortable about it.
TARA: In general, nondisabled individuals seem intent on not needing help. Moreover, help offered from a disabled person seems to feel offensive to a nondisabled person due to ableism -- as if by accepting help from us, it might bring a nondisabled person “down” to our level. :/
TONIA: Oof. I think you nailed it there.
***
As problematic as Alex’s friendship with Zach can be, the two of them have a habit of not only looking out for each other, but actually saving each other. (Zach saving Alex from falling off a roof and drowning in 4x01 and 4x04, Alex saving Zach from getting beat up in 2x11 and Alex saving Zach from himself basically in 4x10.)
Why is this dynamic important and what do we hope people gain from seeing it?
TONIA: Zach prioritizing and saving Alex’s life communicates the important message that disabled lives have value. And Alex saving Zach communicates more about Alex being a fully developed disabled character, capable not only of getting help -- but of giving it.
TARA: Alex and Zach’s friendship isn’t perfect -- no friendship is -- but they show up for each other when it counts. The fact that we get to see this interabled friendship grow and change over episodes, seasons and years is a rare thing indeed.
***
Have you seen 13 Reasons Why on Netflix?
Did reading our conversation about Alex's friendship with Zach help you realize anything or notice anything you hadn't registered before?
We'd love to hear from you in the comments.
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