2,079 words
16 minute read
TW: GIF Warning
2x01, 16:43 - 14:14 remaining
TW: discussion of food restriction, discussion of suicide attempt (bullet trajectory), reference to nonconsensual photographing
2x02, 28:13 - 26:05 remaining
3x01, 28:42 - 27:15 remaining;
3x01, 21:30 - 20:10 remaining,
TW: brief flashback to physical assault, intimidation, panic attack
3x02, 53:12 - 51:42 remaining;
3x02, 42:48 - 41:22 remaining,
TW: intimidation, extreme fear response, threats of violence with a knife, sanist language
***
Alex’s friendship with Tyler is one of the dynamics that we enjoy most on screen. It seems to grow from Alex’s time in the hospital, and then flourish, despite Tyler being encouraged to hang out with “other friends” in the aftermath of Alex’s suicide attempt.
And when Tyler is brutally assaulted at the end of season 2, we see that the help goes both ways. Alex is there for Tyler, keeping him safe, in a time when he sorely needs it.
Today, Tara and I are discussing this friendship.
***
In 2x01, Tyler comes over with junk food for Alex. He opens a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos for Alex seamlessly before handing him the chips to enjoy.
Can we talk about how meaningful it is when friends help without making it a big deal?
TONIA: Being helped in the way we need without awkward questions or discomfort is such a huge deal. For me, before I individuated from toxic people in my life, the experience of being helped in this manner was rare. So when it happened -- especially when help was given by a nondisabled friend -- it was notable.
It’s interesting to note how Tyler is one of Alex’s friends who is able to seamlessly help him. Tara, you had some thoughts about why that is. Did you want to share them? I think they’re really interesting.
TARA: Seeing Tyler open the bag of chips and hand them to Alex in and of itself displays a deep understanding of Alex’s hemiparesis. While others in Alex’s friend group may have been frightened by his suicide attempt and injuries, Tyler’s macabre sensibilities may have led him to 1) do some basic research or 2) spend enough time with Alex during his hospitalization to understand how his body works now.
This moment of quietly understanding how to help is so powerful to see. It is juxtaposed with many other moments -- Tony trying to assist Alex on the courthouse steps, for one -- where friends are well-meaning but fail to get the intricacies of what Alex might need.
***
In 2x01, Tyler tells Alex that he and Bill “bonded” when Alex was in his coma. Do we want to talk about the phenomenon in disability culture of having (nondisabled) friends bond with parents or other family members when we’re indisposed or in crisis?
TONIA: While this might be a little off base, what it brings to mind for me is the way, often, nondisabled parents receive care and concern for having a disabled child go through surgery, or go to IEP meetings, but the actual disabled child gets none of the same concern.
It’s a meeting -- presumably about the child -- but the child is often not present, or when we were, we were not allowed to have a voice of our own. It’s a room full of nondisabled people talking about us, making decisions, bonding over the difficult process and yet no one sees that the person at the center of the difficult process is us. No one sees how it impacts us -- or thinks to look.
While I don’t know firsthand what it would be like for Alex to hear that comment or how it might feel, I can guess it might be disorienting or alienating, maybe?
Tara, did you want to say more about this? I get that it’s not just metaphorical for you.
TARA: I’m super happy that this was depicted on “13.” Yet another piece of disability culture that I’ve not really seen given nuanced screen time. We’ve touched on this a bit in Alex’s birthday episode post, but it is an interesting bit of continuity seeing that Tyler and Bill have this separate relationship now. Miles Heizer (Alex) plays these moments quietly, which feels true to life.
You come away from comments like this feeling glad that your people had support while also feeling somewhat obsolete. Not only were you not there / not aware of this intense bonding. In addition, you’re disabled, and your nondisabled friends now seem to have more in common with your nondisabled family members than with you.
TONIA: I can definitely see how that would be the case!
They were bonding over what happened to Alex while Alex was present, but unconscious. Tyler and Bill presumably had all this time to talk and wonder and discuss things and Alex wasn’t really a part of it.
***
In 2x02, we see Alex looking at the pictures Tyler took of him in his coma, but we don’t see the pictures. Just Alex’s face as he looks at them.
Talk about this moment. What stands out about it?
TONIA: Ten out of ten times, we would see a moment like this exploitatively overshared about. We would see Alex recovering in the hospital in all kinds of vulnerable situations. At the least we would see these pictures.
But we don’t see them here. This moment stands out because while Alex was obviously photographed without his consent (which is definitely an issue) “13” made the choice not to show these photos on screen.
Instead, we see Alex’s face as he sees the pictures. We see him reacting. It keeps the focus on him, and continues to center him in his own story instead of centering his suffering and exploiting it.
 |
| [Image: Alex, looking at photos, while Tyler -- at the edge of the frame -- clicks through them for him.] |
It's a huge issue in the disabled community, nondisabled parents regularly oversharing about disabled kids. We grow up used to giving our medical diagnosis to anyone who asks, feeling forced to answer questions about our diagnoses - I was in fourth grade when a classmate was hanging out with me on a playground. Another kid made a mean comment and the classmate yelled, incensed, at the mean kid: "She has a disease!"
I felt like I had to set her straight. I was nine.
It would have been so easy for Tyler to put Alex on the spot. To ask him a bunch of questions about how his injury affects him. Instead he says: "It's a lot to take in," and then just lets him look. And Tyler is the one willing to answer Alex's questions.
TARA: This moment made me feel extremely safe during a show that is said to glorify trauma at times. It felt like “13” understood that the point was not the pictures themselves. (It would have been easy enough to create and display them as a sort of pity objectification.) But we don’t see them. They’re not for us. They’re a piece of Alex’s life that was previously unreachable that he is seeing for the first time. We see him trying to fit the images into the context of his own history.
It is also notable that Tyler is seamlessly clicking the mouse to show Alex each picture on the laptop while Alex stands, holding his cane. This level of adapting and understanding is almost shocking to me. The level of attention that Tyler has to the nuances of Alex’s hemiparesis is stunning. And being able to then convert that attention into appropriate help? This is why representation is so important. This is why we need more nuanced stories of disability, interdependence and interabled friendship. Representation guides us. It teaches us how to treat each other. Tyler doesn’t exploit these moments for pity points -- they are instead part of being friends with Alex.
***
In 3x01 and 3x02, Alex is included in the group of people Clay organizes to take care of Tyler. Alex’s “brain injury hurts” looking at the spreadsheet Clay created coordinating everything.
Alex stays the night with Tyler early on to ensure his safety, stays with him in the class they share. Alex also notes Tyler’s discomfort about getting a ride with another friend, and Alex offers to let Tyler ride home with him instead.
What does it mean to see Alex included in the group of friends who care for Tyler?
TARA: First off, I love the representation of neurofatigue in the statement, “My brain injury hurts.” After an injury, our brains do not function at full capacity when we’re required to expend high levels of mental energy. This results in neurofatigue (also known as mental fatigue, cognitive fatigue or brain fog.) We use high levels of cognitive energy at mundane tasks such as reading, watching TV or filtering light and sound. Neurofatigue differs from run-of-the-mill tiredness because it feels more like bone-deep exhaustion or the flu, and it requires a disproportionately long recovery time. Going back to Alex’s comment, headache is a common neurofatigue symptom.
TONIA: Yes! I was hoping you’d comment on that line (as it’s not something I can really speak to.)
TARA: As for seeing Alex included in Tyler’s care plan, I think it’s extremely powerful. Many or most of us within the disability community survive due to interdependence, and I love seeing that represented on “13.”
TONIA: To me, representation like this means the world.
Seeing Alex included in helping and taking care of Tyler and having it be so seamless communicates to the audience that Alex’s brain injury does not preclude him from being able to help others. (We’ve seen this before, when Alex saves Justin in 2x08.)
But this is an ongoing example of how disabled people can and do help our friends and people close to us, despite the prominent narrative that we only get helped.
At age 9, I was asked in an assignment what ways I helped my family and friends and I could not give one specific example because of how disabled people were seen when I was growing up. My answer was vague. At a loss, but knowing I could not answer that I helped with nothing, I wrote that I helped with “certain things.”
I know I sound like a broken record with the “media teaches audiences how to treat people in marginalized groups” but it’s true.
Seeing Alex helping Tyler shows audiences that it’s possible for disabled people to be there for people in our lives. That we are not only the recipients of help, but capable of giving it, too.
***
In 3x02, Alex notes Monty abusing Tyler and confronts Monty in the school bathroom. When Monty does not listen to talk, Alex shows that he has a knife. When Monty calls him sanist names, Alex nods, and says, “Yeah, I am. So leave.”
Can we talk about the subtleties here? About the fact that as disabled people, sometimes we have to lean into stereotypes to get what we need?
TONIA: There is definitely a lot going on for Alex at this point
And it would be easy, as a disabled viewer, I think, to look at this scene and just cringe at the TBI Makes Someone Violent stereotype being portrayed again. (It is, admittedly, what I thought, when I first watched.)
One of the reasons I think this feels different to me is Alex’s motivation. He’s using Monty’s fear of him in order to protect Tyler from further abuse.
Because Alex’s brain injury means he is part of a marginalized community, unfortunately that means there are people for whom his word is not enough. People who will never take him seriously because of it.
And as disabled people, sometimes we do have to lean into gross stereotypes to get what we need or, like in Alex’s case, to protect a friend.
TARA: You said it.
I’m not sure if I’d call it a trope, but seeing disabled people knowingly use stereotypes to gain information or fulfill a need feels like the tiniest little “Screw you” to ableist society and systems.
TONIA: Oh, I love that. Perfect way to end.
***
Have you seen 13 Reasons Why on Netflix?
Did reading our conversation about Alex's friendship with Tyler help you realize anything or notice anything you hadn't registered before?
We'd love to hear from you in the comments.
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