6,088 words
47 minute read
TW: GIF Warning
Discussion of suicidal thoughts
Mentions suicide attempt and rape
Spoilers for episode 2x07 of 13 Reasons Why
***
List of scenes referenced in episode 2x07:
1) 52:26 - 51:20 remaining
2) 49:56 - 48:15 remaining
TW: ableism, mention of rape, emotional distress
3) 33:35 - 32:40 remaining
4) 23:25 - 21:59 remaining
5) 20:48 - 19:15 remaining
TW: ableism, offensive language, mention of drug use
6) 16:23 - 14:46 remaining
TW: ableism
7) 14:46 - 12:42 remaining
TW: ableism, emotional distress, discussion of suicide and past suicide attempt
***
In episode 2x07 of 13 Reasons Why, Alex turns 17. So far, Tara and I have been able to comment on a particular relationship dynamic by asking each other a handful of questions or commenting on a single scene.
Sometimes, though, a particular episode or storyline has so much content that begs for commentary, that picking and choosing what to comment on just seems unwise (because what if something important gets left out?)
If you’re ready for a big post, buckle up, for the intriguing (sometimes maddening, sometimes ableist) adventure that is Alex’s birthday.
***
Scene 1:
Carolyn wakes Alex hyperly with a balloon bouquet: Alex, honey. Wake up. Wake up. Alexander!
Alex: What? What happened?
Carolyn: Sorry. You were sleeping so soundly.
Alex: Sorry, I was dreaming about running.
Carolyn [gives him the bouquet]: Happy birthday!
Alex: Oh, wow.
TARA: Poor Carolyn is so hypervigilant. Does she have the right to be? Absolutely. But it’s got to be disconcerting to always be so urgently awakened.
And Alex dreaming about running? I mean… If he was an athlete, maybe. I always dreamed I could move my paralyzed left side. But I suppose running sounds better.
TONIA: This exchange was the first time I seriously considered Alex having Left Neglect and connected that his brain injury affects his left side.
It takes him a while -- even after his mom wakes him -- for Alex to see the balloon she has. She actually has to hand it to him for it to come into his line of vision.
It’s things like these that really drive home the authenticity for me.
TARA: Whoa. I honestly never picked up on this! Alex, to me, is just living his life. I guess my own brain injury shows here! Good eye, Tonia!
TONIA: I think seeing your Left Neglect firsthand, I know what it looks like from the outside? Maybe that’s why I noticed?
Carolyn laughs, pleased. She pours him water from a pitcher on his nightstand. She offers him both items, but then sets them down within reach when she realizes he’s holding the balloon bouquet with his unaffected arm: So, I heard from [your brother] Peter, and he is driving down this afternoon to be here in time for the party.
Alex: Oh.
Carolyn offers Alex a water glass and a pill case.
TARA: Carolyn is very aware of access here. She ensures Alex has water and morning pills within reach. I know it looks to the untrained eye like she is doting unnecessarily on Alex, but I love seeing this represented, as Alex is still struggling with mobility due to hemiparesis.
TONIA: Even I (who also rely on things being made accessible) have internalized so much ableism that I’m often like, “Really?” when I see moments like this.
But access is important, absolutely, and seeing it represented so seamlessly is important, too.
Alex: Do we have to have a party?
Carolyn: But it’s all booked, and your father got his shift off. [sits on his bed] Haven’t you told all your friends?
Alex: Well, yeah. I mean. Plus, they got your e-vite with the bunnies on it.
TARA: These things can so easily eat away at a disabled person’s self-esteem. Understandable if Alex was a bunny enthusiast, but he isn’t. So, sending his friends bunny e-vites just succeeds in making Alex feel small. This is one of so many shifts in relationships that can happen post-injury.
I’m also getting the impression that this party is for literally everyone else in Alex’s life. Alex himself is secondary to the celebration, and he’s just along for the ride.
TONIA: Yes, Carolyn seems to want to make everything in relation to Alex soft and gentle, but she’s humiliating and degrading him in the process.
And yes, I get that sense, too, Tara. That no matter what Alex says, it would not matter. The party seems to be for him in name only, and (forgive me if I sound jaded and bitter here) an excuse for everyone else in his life to get together and comment on his “progress.”
A bit like a baby's first birthday is more for the parent than it is for the baby. (Not that Alex is a baby…) But so often these are about what the parent wants and likes, and to celebrate “making it through” the first year of a kid’s life.
Carolyn [smiles, touches his shoulder]: You not feeling up to it?
Alex: No, I am. I totally am.
TARA: She asks if Alex isn’t feeling up to it, but all the plans are already set. There’s pressure there.
TONIA: It strikes me that while Carolyn is very tuned into how Alex is doing physically -- at least on the surface -- emotionally she misses him completely here.
She doesn’t want to hear that he doesn’t want a party, that he might be exhausted, or embarrassed or maybe that he does not feel like celebrating.
Carolyn: Good. [pats his leg] We’ll have fun. [stands] All right. Get yourself up, do your stretches. [gasps] And I have a new hemp milk to try! It’s delicious. [leaves]
Alex: [sits up in bed, holding the bouquet; sighs tiredly]
 |
| [Image: Alex, in bed, tiredly holding his balloons] |
TARA: The use of “Get yourself up,” feels odd. Almost a separation of Alex’s physical body.
Carolyn also reminds Alex to “do his stretches.” She’s matter-of-fact, but it’s just one more drain on his brain on what promises to be a very overstimulating day. Not to mention the difference doing daily stretches implies, when all a teenager wants is to blend in.
And we can’t have a scene with Mom without her being pumped about another healthy food for Alex. :/
TONIA: Yeah, the “Do your stretches” comment always causes a visceral reaction in me (and maybe in every disabled person who grew up with nondisabled parents who pushed a certain degree of rehab or PT.)
TARA: Yes! It feels like automatic shame, because your body is wrong as is.
TONIA: Before we move on to the next scene, do you want to talk a little bit about how it feels to have a birthday party months after a brain injury?
TARA: It’s not evident in the transcript, but the way Miles Heizer says the lines really adds a lot to the portrayal. I hear him trying for inflection. And this could be due to any number of factors, or a combination of any or all. In my case, I struggled with depression, cognitive fatigue and sensory overload, as well as a persistent feeling of derealization.
My 17th birthday was a small affair. A picnic table in the driveway for a handful of friends. Food. Presumably cake. Due to the combination of factors mentioned above, what I remember most is the feeling of being a mannequin propped up and existing in the middle of my friends as they interacted with each other. I felt disconnected and dissociated even when I did speak.
I remember moments that may be from that birthday - or they may be from my graduation party nearly a year later - a handful of candy eaten by a friend, the excited chatter of a little brother who was a toddler at the time, the ever-present dull ache in my head.
I don’t remember a single meaningful moment - whether one happened or not - I could not tell you what the cake looked or tasted like, or a single gift I received that year. Not because I didn’t care. It was just too much to take in.
***
Scene 2:
Alex [to Jess]: Aren’t we going the wrong way for your first period?
Jessica, smiling: Uh, I thought we’d take the long way today.
Alex: Why is Zach waiting for us?
Jessica chuckles
Alex: And why is he smiling like that?
Jessica laughs
Alex: What?
Zach, gleeful: Waaaaait, is it your birthday?
Jessica: Woooo…
Alex & Zach: What?
Zach & Jessica laugh
[Happy Birthday, Alex banner comes into view]
Alex: You guys got a banner made?
Jessica: It was a group project. I made the design. Clay ordered it online, and Zach put it up.
Alex: Wow, that’s… That’s really nice, you guys.
Jessica pats his shoulder
TONIA: I always wonder if Alex is having a moment of: “Would they have done this for me before?” Maybe because I’m always wondering, too, “Are they being condescending here? Even unintentionally?” And is this one of those situations where Alex then has to act grateful instead of being rightfully angry?
TARA: I’m wondering whether it’s more a feeling of “I wasn’t supposed to see this day, and now I am, and it’s weird.”
This episode in particular is so layered and nuanced, with mental illness (depression) resulting in a brain injury, and then additional depression on top of that due to the chemical and physical changes Alex is going through, not to mention the changing of his relationships and the ableism he now encounters.
Bryce: Awwww! [patronizing] Happy birthday, buddy! [pats him on the shoulder] Oooh, sweet banner!
Scott: Is your mom bringing cupcakes later?
Bryce: I hope she brings enough for the whole class!
Scott: And maybe you’ll get a new cane this year too, huh?
Bryce snickers: Yeah! [pats him more, he and Scott walk away] And some new friends!
TONIA: And then Alex deals with this. The ableism, the unwanted touching. The babying. All of it is so messed up -- and stings especially I’m sure -- knowing Bryce and Scotty were previously Alex’s friends. And now, all they’re doing is patronizing him.
TARA: Yes, while Bryce in particular is the show’s antagonist, he and Alex were friends prior to his injury. I like that this form of ableism is shown - the kind that plays on Alex’s insecurities that is couched in a “nice” but patronizing tone of voice.
As Tonia mentioned, we also see unwanted touching. And also, the framing of Alex’s mobility aid as something shameful, something unnecessary, something his mom buys for him as a gift not a necessity.
TONIA: Ooh, good catch -- about Scott framing Alex’s mobility aid as a potential gift. I have a lot of feelings about accommodations being framed as something we are “lucky” to have.
Nondisabled people's access and accommodations are a given. So it should be with disabled people's.
I was often made to feel like acquiring my adaptive equipment or accommodations was a pain. Something that people around me were straight up reluctant to help with. As I can't drive, getting a ride was paramount to my being able to get what I needed. But people's reluctance in these moments can feel like an inherent threat.
Because, if it's too big an inconvenience to make the drive, then what?
Will I be able to get what I need at all?
Framing a mobility aid as a gift goes along with this mentality, I think.
At the very least, it's something to be aware of.
Alex [at their backs - to Bryce]: Fuck you! You fucking rapist!
Scott turns back to stare at him and shakes his head warningly.
Bryce pauses but doesn’t turn, shaking his head dismissively.
Zach has been quiet the whole interaction, but now:
Zach: Dude, shit like that doesn’t do anybody any good.
Alex: Yeah? Well, it felt good to me!
TONIA: I think we’re going to speak more on this in coming posts, but should we talk about the concept of “inappropriate outbursts” here? Because I feel like that's where a lot of media would go with a scene like this...but what we can see is a bit different, right?
TARA: What we see from this scene is that Bryce and Scott can modulate their tone, while Alex cannot.
We see that, because Bryce and Scott are jocks and bullies who can package their ableism - their abuse - in a “nice” tone, they can get away with it.
And Alex, whose cognitive load is overwhelmed due to the emotions of the encounter, is the one who is reprimanded by Zach because he cannot control his tone.
Alex also says, “It felt good to me!” I like that this is included, because it shows that he is grappling for ways to confront ableism in the moment - and how that is not always a perfect science. But Alex feels good because he’s been able to speak back in some way.
We see Jess, frozen behind them.
Alex to Zach: Maybe if you’d stop defending him all the time!
Zach: When have I ever defended him?
Alex: Every day. Every day that you hang around him and play baseball with him, you choose his side. [turns to Jess] Jess, tell him!
TONIA: I appreciate seeing that Alex being done protecting Bryce has carried through. Even before his brain injury, he was not about protecting him anymore.
Jessica [with tears in her eyes]: Why would you do that?
Alex: Shit. I’m so sorry.
Jessica: I mean…
Alex: Jess.
Jessica [puts her hands up to ward him off] Don’t. [walks away leaving Alex and Zach standing in the hall under the banner]
TARA: I love that this is included as well. As someone who was raped by Bryce, Jessica is traumatized by not only having to see him at school every day, but hearing Alex call him out so publicly causes her to feel in danger. Her freeze response is engaged.
We see that while Alex’s brain injury does mean that he can struggle with filtering his words, and it can be impossible to soften his tone, he can still be held accountable for hurting a friend and apologizing.
***
Scene 3:
Bill and Alex pick up a prescription at Baker Drug.
Bill: Let’s go, bud. You good? [sees Tyler] Oh hey! There he is! Tyler, good to see you! [pats him on the back]
Tyler: Good to see you too, sir. [to Alex] Hey.
Alex: Hey.
Bill: Baker Drugs. This is a little out of your way, yeah?
Tyler: Yeah. Uh, they just carry some stuff that the Wal-Plex doesn’t, so…
Bill: Uh, so are we going to see you at the party tonight?
Tyler: Oh, I--I didn’t know, so--
Bill [to Alex]: I thought that you invited all your friends?
Alex: Yeah, well, Jessica was supposed to--
TONIA: When crowdsourcing many of the million birthday tasks goes awry…
Bill: It’s at the EpiCenter tonight. Come if you can. I know Alex would love to have you there.
Tyler: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t wanna…
Alex: No, you should come. Really, you should.
Tyler: Yeah?
Alex & Bill: Yeah.
Tyler: Okay. Yeah, I’ll be there.
Bill: Good. Good to see ya! [pats him again]
Tyler: Yeah, you too.
Bill: Right on.
Alex: Later. [Bill & Alex leave]
Tyler: Later.
TONIA: At first, I always watched this scene and side-eyed Bill in it. Like, making decisions for Alex, etc. Now, I wonder if it isn’t more Bill accommodating Alex, like doing most of the talking so Alex doesn’t have to talk and stand and filter light and sound simultaneously.
TARA: Tonia, I definitely think there are accommodations at play here. However, unless Alex had a previous conversation about wanting to invite Tyler to his party, Bill overstepped by outright inviting him, in my opinion.
TONIA: Ah, so perhaps it’s some of both then.
TARA: I think something else at play is that awkward dynamic when your parent is suddenly friendly with your friend - perhaps moreso than you are.
TONIA: Oh my gosh, yes! Your comment here made me remember in an earlier episode how Tyler mentions that he and Alex’s dad “bonded” while Alex was in his coma...
TARA: Also worth noting? Bill seems more genuinely happy to see Tyler than he ever seems about seeing Alex. (With Alex, there’s more concern than happiness.) And that has to feel some kind of way for Alex as well.
TONIA: Yes, and as disabled people, we are always acutely aware of that difference.
***
Scene 4:
EpiCenter.
Peter talks to Alex’s friends while Alex is not in the vicinity: Uh, so tell me the truth. How’s he doing, guys?
Zach: He’s good.
Peter: Yeah?
Zach: Yeah, his balance is getting better every day, and so is his strength.
Clay: I mean, he’s still working on his memory, but…
Zach: But he’s doing great.
TARA: The implication in Peter’s “tell me the truth” is that he can’t or won’t believe what Alex has told him about his own recovery. This idea that a disabled person’s perception of his own experience cannot be believed is a dangerous one. The belief itself is ableist and it perpetuates more ableism, as it reinforces the widespread idea that nondisabled people know a disabled person’s bodymind better than the disabled person himself. This can then justify invasive treatments, surgeries, abuse and even filicide.
TONIA: Yes! So important! This always rubs me the wrong way -- Alex’s brother grilling his friends about “how he’s doing.” I really disliked everyone talking about him behind his back and him being reduced to progress / milestones in this manner, but you had an interesting take on what Clay and Zach might actually be doing here, Tara. Did you want to share that?
TARA: To me, Zach and Clay seem to be standing up for Alex in a sense. Trying to smooth things over. It’s still gross as you said, Tonia, to be reduced to this. But I do want to believe that Alex’s friends are trying to help.
(And nondisabled friends of disabled people, you may need to use your privilege in this way in the face of ableism - even if it is to restate exactly what your disabled friend said - simply because a doctor or brother might hear it from you.)
Bill walks up carrying a stuffed animal. Alex trails behind him.
Bill: Turns out you only need one hand to whoop your old man at Skee-Ball.
Peter: Hey!
Alex: Yup. You should have challenged me to Dance Dance Revolution. [sits. Everyone’s quiet] It’s my birthday. You’re supposed to laugh at my jokes.
TONIA: So, it’s obvious here that Bill is allowed to talk about how Alex’s injury impacts his mobility, but Alex is not. I get that Bill was framing it in a more positive manner, and Alex was being self-deprecating but this really does seem to highlight the idea that disabled people cannot joke. (In the sense that no one will laugh if we do.)
TARA: In general, nondisabled people will feel uncomfortable in the face of a joke like Alex’s. I’ve found jokes about disability tend to go over best in same-disability crowds, which makes me wish that Alex had some friends with brain injuries.
Carolyn: All right! Wings! Fries! And curly fries! Burgers will come up when they’re ready. You guys got all your game cards?
Zach: Yeah. Yeah, thank you, Mrs. Standall.
TONIA: Two things strike me here:
One is that Alex’s mom is bringing over wings and burgers and curly fries, so my mind immediately goes to -- is his “Mom enforced diet” suspended in honor of his birthday?
And two is: Her saying, “You guys all got your game cards?” kind of gives me the same feeling as “Does everybody have all their tickets for Chuck E. Cheese?” Like this is a party that 8-year-old Alex would have loved, but not necessarily 17-year-old Alex.
Jess approaches with a gift bag
Zach: Hey, Jess! [They wave]
Alex gets up to meet her. He’s carrying the toy in the same hand with his cane.
Peter attempts to get up as well to “help.”
Bill to Peter: Hey hey hey. He can go. He’s good. [Peter sits back down.]
TONIA: The overprotectiveness feels so real.
TARA: Absolutely a true-to-life moment.
Alex to Jessica: Hey. I won this for you. [hands her the toy] Just to say sorry about today.
Jessica: You didn’t have to do that.
Alex: Yeah well, if I hadn’t won it, I’d just be saying sorry. And I thought maybe the cuteness would help.
Jessica: Look, we don’t need to talk about it. [walks away from him, greets Alex’s parents]
TONIA: My favorite thing in this scene is one of those small moments you mentioned before, Tara.
When Alex shifts from carrying the bear to offering it to Jessica, he kind of tosses it gently in the air to shift his grip so he can offer it to her. The best, and so relatable for me, as a crutch-user.
TARA: I can’t get past the brush-off Jessica gives Alex. (To be clear, I do think she’s 100% justified in her feelings. A toy won’t fix the trauma she felt at Alex’s words.) However, it’s one more instance where Alex’s friend seems more at ease and more friendly with Bill and Carolyn. And these small things, along with the big things, all add up.
TONIA: Yes, and there’s something specific about being walked away from when you worked hard to physically get somewhere. The rejection / isolation is felt in a specific way in those moments.
***
Scene 5:
EpiCenter. Alex and Clay sit quietly in game cars.
Clay: For someone who hates parties, I go to a lot of parties.
Alex: Yeah.
Clay: And it never ends well.
Alex: Nope.
Clay sighs, sees Tyler approach: What’s he doing here?
Zach and Jess intercept Tyler.
Tyler: No, Alex told me to come!
Jessica: Tyler, he was just being nice. He doesn’t want you here.
TONIA: A really crappy thing to do, to be sure!
Also, though, an interesting take on the thing that often happens to physically disabled people. People are often forced to “just being nice” to us. In this case, Jessica tells Tyler that Alex was just being nice by inviting him.
Tyler: I want to talk to Alex. Okay? Look, I brought him something.
Alex starts to stand to approach them.
Zach: What? “Oh, happy birthday, Alex! Here’s a photo book of you in a coma?”
Tyler: He told you about that?
Zach: Get out. Now. [Tyler leaves as Alex is still making his way over]
Alex: Wait, where’s Tyler going? [Clay joins them]
Zach: Don’t worry, we got rid of him.
Alex: No, I told him to come.
TONIA: The reality of not being able to move as quickly as you want to. Alex is walking as fast as he can, but it’s not fast enough to intercept the situation before Zach and friends decide to send Tyler away.
Alex is likely feeling super powerless here. And his friends’ actions are just reinforcing that Alex’s voice now is not one they will take seriously.
TARA: If Alex has not asked Zach and Jessica to “gate-keep” in this manner, then they are both out of line here.
1) Undermining Alex’s choice to invite Tyler to his own party is just weird. It implies a sense of ownership - as if the party and its guests are not for Alex, but for Alex’s friends and who they deem worthy.
2) This type of behavior plays into the idea that disabled people need this type of protection - that we cannot be trusted to make decisions (even relatively small ones) in manners that directly impact us.
3) The fact that neither Zach or Jessica checked with Alex to confirm that he, in fact, wanted them to kick Tyler out shows that they feel they can make more sound decisions than he can.
Jessica: Alex look, I know he visited you a lot when you were in the hospital, but he’s a fucking pervert.
Zach: After what he did to Hannah?
TARA: Nondisabled feelings matter more than Alex inviting whom he chooses to his own birthday party.
Clay: What he did? Seriously? At least Tyler tried to help Hannah in court. That’s more than you can say, Zach. You helped turn her into Hannah The Slut.
Zach to Clay: At least we didn’t do drugs.
Jessica: You guys, come on.
Clay: You come on. You didn’t help either.
Jessica: I tried!
Zach: From what you [Clay] said today in court, you hurt her more than any of us did.
Clay: They took all of that out of context.
Alex: So, you didn’t let her down? How are you any different than us?
Clay has no response. He imagines Hannah, who asks him, “What are you thinking about?”
TARA: And then, the conversation devolves into blame surrounding the court case that Alex has been deemed not fit to testify in. Yet another reminder of all that is different now.
***
Scene 6:
EpiCenter. Everyone sits morosely around a table not talking.
Alex: This is the saddest birthday party ever.
TARA: And nobody even objects, wow!
TONIA: Right?!
Zach’s phone rings: Shit. I gotta take this. [He picks up] Hey Mom. Yeah. No, I’m just out with the guys. I’ll be home soon. Yeah. No, I know. I know. [We see Alex’s face over Zach’s shoulder. He looks betrayed. Zach sighs.] Okay. Yeah, I’m on my way. Bye. [He hangs up the call.]
Alex: “The guys?” You’re out with the guys?
Zach: I just told her that I’d go home and watch [my little sister] May.
Alex: Home from what? Why’d you lie about where you are?
Zach: I wasn’t sure exactly--
Alex: Of course, you should lie to her and everybody, ‘cause that’s better than admitting that you’re my friend?
Zach: She knows that you’re my friend.
Alex: Does Bryce know where you are?
Zach: Come on, man.
Alex: Fuck you, Zach!
Carolyn: Okay…
Alex to Zach: Go home!
Zach: Yeah...I should… Thank you guys so much for having me.
TONIA: What a huge betrayal. (And Zach’s decision to leave appears to have much more to do with the phone call from his mom and his discomfort at being called out by Alex than it does with respecting Alex’s wishes.)
TARA: Zach tends to survive by taking the path of least resistance. He doesn’t make waves. His mom cares a lot about associating with the “right” people. It goes without saying that she might view a friendship with Alex as essentially worthless, as he has no social capital. So, Zach telling her that he’s with “the guys” saves him from getting the third degree.
And Alex sees Zach’s lie as shame rather than self-preservation.
Interabled friendships can be fraught with complications, especially as we’re not raised to see the cultural differences or even realize that they exist.
Bill: You don’t have to go, Zach. [Zach leaves]
Alex: I’m gonna go play some games. [Alex leaves the table]
TONIA: Bill! It’s Alex’s party! Stop undermining him! (And Alex’s decision to leave the table to go play some games is so understandable.)
TARA: Thanks for nothing, Bill.
Peter: All right, you guys. Truth now. What the hell is going on? He’s not all right.
Clay: Uh… I think he does pretty well most days.
Peter: Bullshit. You said he made progress. He hasn’t made any progress since the day I saw him last. A month ago.
Carolyn: He’s trying.
Bill: He’s really trying. [Bill gets a concerned look on his face] Oh shit.
TONIA: I really appreciate both of Alex’s parents being shown to have his back here and to know he is doing the best he can. (And Clay, too.) Even though, as you’ve said, Tara, it’s gross that Peter can’t just take Alex’s word for it.
TARA: I wasn’t aware that Peter had gone to medical school and focused on brain trauma and neurology. /sarcasm
It is interesting that Peter mentions that Alex seems not to have progressed in a month. What often gets missed, and what people can’t see, is the cognitive fatigue piece. This is often mistaken for slothfulness.
I took a mental fatigue scale test a few years back. The recommended “ceiling” for mental fatigue was a score of 10.5 based on a healthy (not brain injured) control group. I scored a 20.5.
The truth is that brain injury survivors use up to five times more energy in completing mental activities. (This includes things that non-brain-injured people may not have to actively consider, such as filtering noise or light, attending to a conversation, reading, talking, watching TV or even feeling stress or a lot of emotion.) So, the fact that this party is being held in a noisy, bright mega arcade is very likely impairing Alex’s ability to function optimally.
Alex's functionality in a rehab hospital or in the quiet of his own home a month ago may be comparable to his functionality in a noisy arcade a month later. However, that does not mean he has made no progress.
***
Scene 7:
EpiCenter. Shooting game. Alex holds a machine gun and shoots at a screen.
Bill: Hey, buddy? What are you doing?
Alex: Just playing a game, Dad.
Bill: Okay. Maybe this isn’t the right game to be playing right now.
Alex: Why not? I’m really good at it.
[The rest of the party has gathered close by.]
TONIA: And why wouldn’t Alex be drawn to a game he’s still naturally good at? Especially as so much of the rest of his life has changed.
TARA: Bill is definitely toeing the patronization line in his effort to be discreet.
Bill: Let’s play another round of Skee-Ball--
Alex: No, Dad. Fuck that.
Carolyn: Alex.
[Alex continues to play. Starts remembering playing a shooting game at Bryce’s pool house on the night Hannah was raped.]
TONIA: This is a complex scene. There is a lot going on. First, Bill is suggesting they play more Skee-Ball which is likely as comforting for Bill as sending bunny-related e-vites is for Carolyn. Also, Alex not only likes his current game, it ends up actually helping him remember what was going on in his life in that lost month before his suicide attempt.
TARA: Alex is also craving normalcy here, and his dad is cramping his style!
Bill [grabs the gun from Alex]: Give me this thing. That’s enough.
Alex: Fuck no. [They struggle for the gun] Fuck no!
[Bill pushes Alex away, and Alex falls]
TONIA: I think there’s a lot to talk about here, too. Bill decides when Alex is done playing and insists on this.
TARA: Again, where is the line here? It’s clear to anyone who watches Season 2 that Alex’s parents are uncomfortable, to say the least, about Alex playing first-person shooter games post-suicide attempt. However, they stop short at making it a hard-and-fast rule. So, it’s unfortunate that Bill seems ready to enforce this at Alex’s birthday party, surrounded by family and friends.
Also, Alex says no twice very clearly, and Bill responds with force. :/
TONIA: The whole party is gathered around Alex at this point. They witness his playing this game. The struggle. They witness Alex falling.
The theme of this party is Nondisabled Comfort, and it has been from the start.
Do parents have the right to intervene and set limits for their kids? Absolutely. But those limits look different for a 17 year old, and if you’re bringing him to his party at an arcade, you should not be able to dictate which games (or how much of them) he is allowed to play.
Bill: All right, buddy. I’m sorry. Come here. [grabs Alex’s arm]
Alex [shakes him off]: Fucking let me go!
[Carolyn cries]
Alex: I’m broken! Okay? [He slowly gets up] I’m fucking broken! That’s just how it’s gonna be! So, why don’t you just live with it?
Peter: Alex, you’re not broken.
Alex: How the fuck would you know? I’ve seen you twice since I got out of the hospital!
Peter: I had school…
Alex: I had fucking school too! And I had friends! And now, I don’t have anything, except all of you standing around feeling sorry for me, not fucking knowing what to say!
TONIA: There’s so much to unpack here. Tara, did you want to speak to what Alex is feeling?
TARA: First, the emotional whiplash of Bill’s use of force back to back with a gentle apology and attempt to help Alex up! I’m proud of Alex for reasserting his physical boundaries, even though he should not have had to.
The notion that Alex is “broken” is internalized ableism. He’s trying to return to a version of himself that no longer exists, and there is loss and grief in that realization. His feelings are super valid, especially in the face of family and friends who are struggling to relate to the new Alex - “feeling sorry for me, not fucking knowing what to say.”
The isolation a person feels post-brain injury, even while surrounded by people, is unfathomable. I think “13” does a good job of showing that here. The line, “I don’t have anything,” shows how completely disconnected and adrift Alex feels.
And it almost feels like gaslighting, Peter claiming that Alex is not broken. Yes, it is internalized ableism, but it is also Alex struggling to come to terms with a different bodymind. His current reality is that things do not work as they previously had, and Peter dismissing this is the equivalent of denying Alex’s brain injury.
Alex: You know, maybe it would have been better if it’d worked, right? [holds up machine gun] Put the bullet through the middle of my brain, the way it was supposed to go?
Carolyn, crying: Stop!
Alex: Wouldn’t that be better? You could all just get on with your stupid fucking lives.
TONIA: When we are disabled and / or otherwise in a marginalized group surrounded by majority people? And we experience chronic ableism, racism, sexism etc and we are not protected? We come to believe that we are the problem. This is especially true (I would imagine) when someone like Alex has acquired a disability recently, because the contrast between Before and After is so stark.
A lot of people don’t know this, but I struggled with suicidal thoughts from the age of about eleven through 21. What Alex voices here was such a common thought for me.
Most days -- especially when I experienced profound powerlessness in the face of ableism -- I had the thought: “If I wasn’t here, everybody’s lives would be easier, and they would all be happier without me.”
Jessica: Fuck you, Alex! Okay? Shut up. Just shut up.
Clay: Jess…
Jessica to Clay: No! [to Alex] Listen to me, you asshole! How could you do what you did? After Hannah? I needed you! You were the only one I could trust, the only person who understood what I was going through. And you were going to fucking leave me behind? That’s messed up, Alex. It’s messed up.
Alex [stunned]: I’m sorry.
Jessica: Everybody here loves you. And you just don’t care?
Alex: I do care. I care. I’m sorry. [Jess walks away. Clay stares at Alex. Bill comforts Carolyn.]
TONIA: And maybe it’s because I can profoundly relate to Alex’s thoughts that hearing Jessica yell at Alex here is hard for me. To Jessica, their love is obvious. But it’s not obvious to Alex. Because all he can feel is the difference in how he is treated.
TARA: I think you’re right, Tonia, that to Jessica, the love for Alex is obvious. To Alex, it feels like everyone’s trying, or uncomfortable, or pitying him, or using him. However, I also think that Jessica’s authenticity really got through to Alex, and he responded to that. Especially with so many people now sort of tiptoeing around him, her honesty is refreshing and needed. It’s a difficult conversation to have, but she’s not gentling it because he’s disabled. Committing or attempting suicide does have a ripple effect on loved ones.
***
Have you seen 13 Reasons Why on Netflix?
Did reading our conversation about Alex's birthday help you realize anything or notice anything you hadn't registered before?
We'd love to hear from you in the comments.
