Christopher Diaz's "Glorious Disabled Anger" in 9-1-1 episode 4x08 "Breaking Point"

915 words

7 minute read

TW: GIF warning

I haven't been able to watch much current TV lately, because everything is about the pandemic and I find that super triggering.  

Luckily, Tara knows this, and she gives me highlights of the shows she watches.  This morning, she told me all about the most recent episode of 9-1-1 and specifically, Christopher's role in it.

If you've been around the blog for any length of time, you'll know that my love for Christopher Diaz knows no bounds.  Most recently, his skateboarding fall last season really resonated with me.  (Seriously, enough can't be said about the importance of authentic disability representation.

This season, Christopher's dad, Eddie, is dating.  (Ironically, he's dating Christopher's former classroom teacher, but as Chris is no longer her student, it isn't technically a conflict of interest.

Eddie arrives home from his date and his coworker and friend, Buck, says he's late.  That Buck has managed to negotiate with Christopher enough that he got ready for bed and into bed, but Buck was not allowed to tuck him in or tell him a story.

So, Eddie goes in, and Christopher immediately starts asking where his dad was.  Eddie says he was out to dinner and Chris tries to guess who he was out to dinner with -- which friend -- from where.  Eddie won't budge, so Christopher seemingly relents and asks for a story "--about your friend."

***

A few days later, Christopher is helping his dad make a salad and Eddie brings up his "friend" again.  He reveals to Chris that it's a woman.

"A girlfriend," Chris says, clearly upset.

"She's someone I like a lot and I think you'll like her, too."

"No, I won't!" Chris responds, angry.

"Okay, let's just talk about it," Eddie tries again.

But Christopher yells "no," and sweeps the entire salad bowl onto the floor where it shatters.  Then, he says, "I'm really mad at you," and walks out of the kitchen.

A couple of things about this scene:

First of all, we have what Tara has termed, Christopher's "glorious disabled anger" here.  Often, we'd see a scene like this followed up immediately by the disabled character being reprimanded or framed as wrong or bad for having legitimate feelings -- after their "no" is not respected.

Eddie just lets Christopher go to his room and slam the door.  Then he picks up the bowl.

And secondly?  It appears that Christopher is now walking unaided (at least short distances around his house) and it's just not a thing.  No one comments on it, on how he's getting "better" or how "he worked hard in PT" or anything.  He's just...walking around his house and it's usual.

And I love it.

***

In the next scene, we see Eddie talking to Christopher's teacher via video chat.  She asks, "He wouldn't even talk about it?" and Eddie responds, "No.  Total meltdown."  But instead of Chris's reaction being framed as unreasonable, his teacher says, "Maybe this is too fast," and "He's been through so much, maybe we should take a break."

Eddie is not quite as ready to break things off but has made it clear he's letting Chris cool off before he tries to talk to him again.

He goes to Christopher's room and finds it empty.  He checks the closet and doesn't find him.  A short but desperate search ensues, until Eddie hears his cell phone ring.  It's buried in Christopher's bed.

Buck is on the phone and reassures Eddie that Christopher is there with him.  (That Christopher used Eddie's phone to call himself an Uber and get a ride there.)  Eddie says he'll be right over.

There's no huge explosion of temper over what Chris "put him through" or how hard it is to raise a kid like Christopher.  Just Eddie, coming over as fast as he can.  Christopher is ten or eleven years old now, and while not old enough to take an Uber alone (in my opinion) this scene does a lot to show the dignity of risk and also the ingenuity of disabled people -- how we adapt to get ourselves what we need.

***

Buck tells Christopher that he heard about Chris blowing up at his dad.  Christopher says "I don't want to talk about it."  Buck is persistent saying that as long as he's here, they might as well talk about something, and that Christopher was there for him when he needed to talk, so he wants to return the favor.  (Not exactly healthy boundaries between an adult and a child but I do appreciate that Christopher is not only ever framed as the one being helped.

Christopher admits, "Dad's dating," and then says that he wishes he could forget because "people leave and I miss them" and "I don't want to miss anyone else."

Buck tells Christopher people do leave, but sometimes they don't stay gone forever.  That he will see his grandma and his friends again.  Christopher asks, "Do you promise?" And Buck does.

Then, Christopher stands to hug Buck and says, "You're a good friend."

[Image: Christopher stands and hugs Buck.]

Buck says, "Yeah, sometimes I am."

And the episode ends with Christopher's former teacher coming over, and Christopher smiling and greeting her with a hug.

***

It's just so refreshing and lovely to see Christopher's feelings honored and to see him reassured -- when we are so often told our feelings are not valid if we are not being positive at all times.

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Why Christopher Diaz's Skateboarding Fall is Important Representation for Kids with CP

1,724 words

13 minute read

When I was growing up, I often begged for the things my siblings got, even if I couldn't realistically use them.

So, when my sister got roller skates, I wanted roller skates.  A pair was found at a garage sale.  Old, but they worked, and they were my size.  I don't recall if anyone explicitly told me they were mine.  But I claimed them.

One day, I went outside, and I took off my shoes, struggling into the skates.

Then, I began a super-unsafe coast down my driveway with my walker.  I was all wheels, all spasticity, zero rollerskating skill (I had never learned.)  We lived at the corner of a busy four-way intersection that did not even have a stop sign until my parents went to city hall and demanded one.

It didn't take me long to realize that rollerskating was nothing like using my Roller Racer (which I had a bit more control over and was closer to the ground.)  I veered half into the grass before I hit the street.  I got myself back up the driveway by maneuvering like this - half in the grass, half on the pavement - so I'd have some traction.

I was nine years old - maybe ten - and this was the first thing I thought of when I watched episode 3x12 of 9-1-1 (called "Fools.")

***

After coming to school for parent / teacher conferences and hearing mostly good feedback about his son, Christopher, (played by Gavin McHugh) his dad, Eddie leaves on a high, feeling like he's parenting a "funny, popular genius."  (Though Chris's science teacher did mention that he apparently keeps telling other kids that "tsunamis are no big deal" which "isn't helpful," according to her.)

The next time we see Eddie, though, he's rushing outside of the school, where Christopher's PCA (Carla) and teacher are waiting.  Eddie hears that one of the other kids had a skateboard and were telling Chris how to ride it.  Eddie is convinced it was the other kids' idea and that they "made a fool" out of Christopher.

Christopher comes out of school then, and we see his pants are bloody at the knee and both elbows are badly scraped.  "I'm sorry about my clothes," he says, and Carla says she'll run home and get him some fresh ones to change into, but Eddie insists Christopher is done for the day.  Christopher is bummed because school isn't over yet.  (I also love how, every time Chris is picked up, he holds onto his crutches - because it's instinct!)

***

At home, Eddie says that Skateboard Kid got sent home early and they'll discuss a punishment for him in the morning.  Carla asks, "What about the kid who fell off the skateboard?"

Eddie is flabbergasted: "You think I should punish him for getting hurt?"

"No," Carla says.  "But I think you need to talk to him about how he got hurt.  I know he wants to be like the other kids--"

Eddie insists, "You want me to tell him he's different?"

Carla says, "He already knows that.  You need to teach him what it means.  That he has limitations."

Eddie says, "I'm not going to tell my kid that."

This felt so authentic to me, to have a nondisabled parent resist at the idea of talking to their disabled kid about their disability.

And it is awkward.  And hard.  The only conversations I remember having with my parents were like:

"You're going to have to work twice as hard as other people because people won't think you can do anything, but you have to prove them wrong."

Because they weren't disabled, I felt like they were being critical of me, too.  Telling me, in a sense, how they felt about me.

That I'd have to spend all my life working twice as hard to even be recognized as capable, or human, or legitimate.

***

Christopher comes into the kitchen, and Eddie checks in with him, asking how he's feeling.

"Dumb," Christopher says sadly.  "Everybody saw me fall."

Carla tries to reassure him that, "Everyone falls down sometime.  You don't have to feel embarrassed about that."

Eddie asks more about how Christopher ended up on the skateboard and is surprised to hear him say, "It was my idea.  It looked fun.  It wasn't."  Then Christopher tells Eddie, "You always tell me I can do anything everybody else can do.  You lied."

And yup.

I heard, all the time, "Tonia's just like everyone else, she just uses a walker."

So, I thought I was.  I tried so hard to be.  But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't ever lose the need for adaptive equipment.  I spent until I was twelve or thirteen believing that if I worked hard enough, I could one day walk without crutches (because it was in my IEP as a "reasonable goal for me to keep working toward," even though it was not possible.)

Unlike Christopher, though, I didn't have the feeling I was lied to.

I felt like I had failed when I couldn't manage to walk without crutches.

***

Next, we see Eddie talking with his best friend, Buck, about what happened with Christopher.  He's reeling over this latest developmental milestone - Christopher telling Eddie he lied to him.  

Refreshingly, Buck tells Eddie this is a usual stage.  And then Eddie continues to muse that perhaps he did lie to Christopher - and to himself - by being in denial about what Christopher is able to do.

Buck talks to Eddie briefly about baseball player Jim Abbott, who pitched a no-hitter in the '90s with only one hand.  Eddie asks for details, and Buck clarifies that he practiced the adaptation he'd need relentlessly.

Eddie listens, admits he "likes the positivity" but then says something like, "But no amount of practicing will let Christopher ride a skateboard."  (It is so far from the typical Overcoming Disability Narrative, friends.  My mind was so blown, in the best way.)

***

The next time we see Christopher, it's before school.  Eddie calls for him to come and eat something before they have to leave.  

Christopher appears, still in pajamas.  He says he doesn't feel well.

"Are you sick?" Eddie asks.

Christopher nods.

Eddie feels Christopher's forehead, checking for a fever, "Are you sure?"

Christopher then admits, "I don't want to go."

Eddie picks Christopher up and carries him to the living room to sit down.  "Are you still upset about the other day?"

"I just want to be like everyone else," Christopher says.  (And break my heart.  How many disabled kids have felt just like this?  I know I have.  Especially when surrounded by nondisabled kids.)

Eddie says gently, "But you're not.  I know I told you you could do anything, but that was a dumb thing for me to say."

"Because I have CP," Christopher fills in, knowing.

"No," Eddie says, "Because no one can do everything.  There are some things that you're not going to be able to do.  And some things that you are going to be able to do, but are going to be harder for you than they are for other kids, because you have CP."

"I'm sorry," Christopher says.  "I won't skateboard again."

Eddie tells him it's not about the skateboarding.  That he doesn't want Christopher to be scared to try new things.

"But you can skateboard," Christopher objects.

Eddie agrees, but then tells Christopher that he (Eddie) is incapable of growing plants.  That he's killed every single one he's ever had, but that Eddie heard from Christopher's teacher that he did the best job at growing plants from seeds out of anyone in his class.  "So, there's something you're better at than me."

"Really?" Christopher says, perking up.

"Really," Eddie says.  He reminds Chris again that he doesn't want him to stop trying.  That some of the things he tries won't work out, but maybe the next thing will.  "Maybe, until you get a little older, though, we try new things together?"

Christopher agrees, and Eddie tells him he loves him and they hug.

"You're not like any other kid," Eddie says, pride in his voice.  "You're my kid."

***

Eddie then goes back to Christopher's school and apologizes for snapping at his teacher.  She then tells him that sometimes trying something new can let you know what you're good at...and sometimes it can let you know where to look next.

That Christopher may not be able to excel in skateboarding, necessarily, but that he might grow up to write the next American novel.

"Not tomorrow," she reassures, "but eventually."

I really appreciate that Christopher is not framed as an exceptionally smart or successful child with CP, who earns his place in the show - and in the world - by being exceptional in another way - to "offset" his disability.

***

In the last scene featuring the Diazs, Eddie and Christopher are at a park.  Christopher says "I don't want to be here."  

Eddie says, "Remember what we said about trying new things together?"

"Yes," Christopher says.

Buck and Carla appear pushing an adaptive skateboard with a frame and harness.

"What is that?" Christopher asks, wary, but with a smile spreading.

"You want to try skateboarding?" Eddie asks.

"Okay," Christopher answers with a hesitant smile.  

He's safely secured on the skateboard, wearing a helmet, and being pushed by Eddie and Buck while Carla runs alongside, filming him with her phone.

***

I think, deep down, nine or ten-year-old me has needed to see this episode forever.

Because after nearly rollerskating into a busy intersection, and making my way back up the driveway - into my shoes - and into the house?  That was it.

No one talked to me about it, because no one ever knew I did it.

But I love the fact that kids with CP today can maybe see Christopher trying things and falling down...and parents can see how Eddie handles the situation and maybe handle the next time their kid with CP does something unsafe because it looks fun a little differently...because they've seen a different way represented.

Or maybe, they can tell their kid before anything dangerous happens.  "Hey, if you want to try something new, that's great.  But let's try new things together until you're a little older."

Such an important message.

***

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Christopher Diaz Survives on This Week's Episode of 9-1-1

557 words

4 minute read

Season 3, Episode 3 "The Searchers" aired on October 7th and opened with firefighter, Evan Buckley, searching for Christopher, who had previously fallen off of a firetruck that shifted during a tsunami.

Buck spends the entire episode searching for Christopher.  Sometimes it's promising (some survivors swear they saw him on the way to The Cupcakery where there was water being distributed) and sometimes it was utterly heartbreaking, as when Buck was urged to check the morgue tent, to see if Christopher is among those who didn't survive.

By the end of the episode, Buck has lost all hope and must confess to Christopher's dad, Eddie, that he lost Christopher.  But simultaneously, a woman (who we've seen moving with a group of survivors throughout the episode) arrives with a child wrapped a blanket.

It's Christopher!

Eddie approaches, and the woman immediately asks, "Are you Buck?"

Eddie assures her, "I'm his dad!"

She responds, "He's looking for Buck!"

I loved a couple of things about this:

First, that it's shown that Buck is not the only adult who is shown to be concerned and actively caring for Christopher.  This woman had Christopher with her for hours, making sure he was warm and not left behind.  (Again, showing the audience that his life has value.)

And second?  That she asked questions when Eddie approached Christopher.  She didn't just hand him off.  She also made it clear who Christopher's looking for - advocating for him - and making sure of his safety before she leaves him.

To finish, we see Eddie dropping Christopher off at Buck's house again.  Buck is startled, feeling responsible for losing Christopher and feeling guilty.  Eddie says, "The way he sees it, you saved him.  Now it's his turn to save you."  (Tara pointed out that in the previous episode, Christopher and Buck had spoken about how they helped each other survive while on the firetruck together.  So, it's possible that Christopher and Eddie had a subsequent conversation about this and Eddie's relaying the information.

Eddie tells Buck that he's happy to have Buck watch Christopher.  He lists all of the things he's packed for Christopher to do: (coloring books, Legos and two snacks), he leaves money for pizza.  He mentions that Christopher is easy to watch because he "isn't very fast" (ha!)  And that he "doesn't make anything that looks like anything" with the Legos, "he just likes sticking things together."

All of this seems to be said in an effort to reassure Buck that he can take care of Christopher.  Eddie does not blame him.  In fact, he makes it clear that he has let Christopher down multiple times.  "But it's up to me," he says, "to never stop trying."

First and foremost, I'm thrilled that Christopher survived, obviously.  I still really love the storyline.  And there was even a poignant line by Maddie (Buck's sister, a 911 dispatcher) where she talks about the loss of "all the people who couldn't swim."

I couldn't help but think of Christopher in that moment.  But I'm so glad that instead of using his character as a part of a super tragic storyline, 9-1-1 is breaking new ground, making it clear that disabled lives have value and we need to be considered and supported, and rescued in emergency situations.

***

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What's Remarkable About Christopher Diaz's Storyline on 9-1-1

802 words

6 minute read

I've been a fan of 9-1-1 since season 1 featured Alice Kina Diehl (as emergency dispatcher, Stephanie Gaskins).  Season 2 saw the addition of Gavin McHugh as Christopher Diaz (firefighter Eddie Diaz's 8-year-old son).  What makes these casting choices notable?  Both actors have CP.  It's been amazing to watch Gavin on screen every week - to see someone with my CP has been so validating.

Episode 3x01, "Kids Today", (which premiered on September 23) ended with a tsunami imminent and Christopher visiting the pier with firefighter Evan Buckley.  We see Buck toss Christopher over his shoulder, and book it as fast as he can off the pier.

3x02, "Sink or Swim," (which aired on September 30), begins like this:

What's remarkable about this?

Well, a lot.

NORMALIZATION OF HELPING DISABLED PEOPLE IN EMERGENCIES:
Disabled life does have value, even if we cannot contribute to society in traditional ways.  That's shown here, in Christopher's fight to stay alive, Buck lifting him to safety on top of a firetruck.  It might seem like, "Of course, Buck would help Christopher!" But a portrayal like this is the exception, not the rule.

The truth is, disabled people are often not considered in emergencies.  We are left behind, and even reprimanded for trying to save ourselves.  There's often no protocol for disabled children in lockdowns or fire drills.  Disabled adults are left behind in natural disasters and states of emergency.

9-1-1 choosing to portray Christopher not as an afterthought or a burden is significant in the lives of people with disabilities because seeing media depictions in popular culture is often what begins the shift in conversation and culture.

'HE MUST BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS':
That shift is already evident on social media.

Last night, when I braced myself and checked Twitter for fans' reactions to the episode, I was nervous.  Because even as recently as two years ago, portrayal of disabled characters was frighteningly ableist.  When this happens, the public reacts accordingly.  (If they see a disabled person portrayed as a burden, for example, the public is not going to value that character.)  Needless to say, I was so pleasantly surprised to see the public's response this time around.

You can glimpse the same goodness that I did in this article:  9-1-1 Fans Rally Around Christopher After Dramatic Tsunami Cliffhanger: 'He Must Be Protected At All Costs!' So often, in media, like the popular book Me Before You we see the trope that disabled people are better off dead than disabled.  It is beyond refreshing to see fans rooting for Christopher's survival and angry about his being unprotected.

KIDS WITH CP AND NEAR-DROWNINGS:
Finally, this episode raises important awareness about kids with CP and near-drownings.

I nearly drowned at 13 years old on a family vacation.  The innertube I was in was ripped away from me by a wave.  I sat in the hip-deep water, the surface just above my head.  I couldn't stand up without my crutches and I didn't have them with me.  My twin sister (who also has CP) is the person I credit for saving my life.  She was able to get me to the surface a few times to breathe, in time for someone else to notice and come and help me walk to shore.

This hasn't happened just to me.  This has happened to other people with CP during childhood as well.  And as difficult as it was for me to watch this episode, I was glad to see all these things represented because it really drives home the point: whether a kid with CP is 8 years old like Christopher, or 13 like I was?  If that kid cannot swim, they need a life jacket on at all times near water.  And in an emergency situation, like in the episode, we need an adult who can swim and support us.

Representation like this matters because it draws attention to real life issues that often are just not spoken about.  They're swept under the metaphorical rug, and then they keep happening.  Disabled people keep not being thought of in emergencies.  We keep being looked upon like we are burdens.  We keep nearly-drowning.

My hope is that this episode can maybe help these things happen less often.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
At the end of 3x02, we see that Christopher has fallen off the firetruck into the water again.  Buck can't find him.  But if I had any doubt about Christopher's survival, you can bet I would not be posting this blog.

We have a long way to go.  The face of disability in the media is still overwhelmingly white and male.  90-some percent of disabled characters are traditionally played by nondisabled actors.

But this is definitely movement in the right direction.

***

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7 People With CP to Follow On Social Media

 176 words

1 minute read

[Image: a phone sceen with Facebook, Twitter and Instagram apps visible]

AlyssaMachelle - She/Her

I make cool art and talk about disability. 

RB: http://lyssamac.redbubble.com

IG: http://lyssachelle.art

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AmandaLeduc - AmandaLeducwriter, THE CENTAUR’S WIFE (2021) | DISFIGURED (2020) | THE MIRACLES OF ORDINARY MEN (2013) | Communications 

@theFOLD_

 | #CerebralPalsy | dog mom | she/her

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Crutches&Spice - she/her Black girl magic+disabled pride |MA Global Comms | my thoughts | #DisTheOscars + #AbledsAreWeird #ThingsDisabledPeopleKnow | Envelope imani.barbarin gmail

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Gavin McHugh - I’m an actor with cerebral palsy. I swim, surf, grocery shop, and love the beach. I’m Christopher on Fox’s 9-1-1 (monitored by mom)

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Keah_Maria - Writer/Author. Rainbow flagBi IconRainbow flag Sam’s Super Seats (fall 2022) The Pretty One(2019)lit rep: 

@abuckslater

 created #disabledandcute film/tv: 

@RachMiller

 she/her

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maysoonzayid - Haj Musa Zaid's daughter, Lucy's mom. #CDKO #DisCo 

@GeneralHospital

 Hate the tweet not the typo. RTs are not endorsements 1/2 of 'em are insulting me 

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TaraJean - 30-something. Disabled. Aphasic.  Give me all the calming piano music, books and soft textures.

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20 of My Favorite Disabled Characters in Scripted Shows

225 words

2 minute read

TW: GIF post

One of the biggest requests I get is for posts on media.  So here are 20 of my favorite disabled characters in scripted shows.

Is your favorite on the list?  Keep reading to find out...

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Alex Standall (13 Reasons Why)

portrayed by Miles Heizer

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April Kepner (Grey's Anatomy)

portrayed by Sarah Drew

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Arizona Robbins (Grey's Anatomy)

portrayed by Jessica Capshaw

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Boo (Underground) 

portrayed by Darielle Dorsey

  
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Callie Torres (Grey's Anatomy)

portrayed by Sara Ramirez

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 Christopher Diaz (9-1-1)

portrayed by Gavin McHugh

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Daniel (Underground) 
portrayed by Bokeem Woodbine

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Derek Morgan (Criminal Minds)
portrayed by Shemar Moore

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Dion Warren (Raising Dion)
portrayed by Ja'Siah Young

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Esperanza (Raising Dion)
portrayed by Sammi Haney

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Evan Hansen (Dear Evan Hansen)

portrayed by Jordan Fisher

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Harriet Tubman (Underground)

portrayed by Aisha Hinds

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Jake Taylor (Work It)

portrayed by Jordan Fisher

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Jessica Davis (13 Reasons Why)

portrayed by Alisha Boe

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Justin Foley (13 Reasons Why)

portrayed by Brandon Flynn

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Rosalee (Underground)

portrayed by Jurnee Smollett Bell

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Sam (Underground)

portrayed by Johnny Ray Gill

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Shelby Merrick (Higher Ground)

portrayed by AJ Cook

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Stephanie Edwards (Grey's Anatomy)

portrayed by Jerrika Hinton

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Tony Padilla (13 Reasons Why)

portrayed by: Christian Navarro

***

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Top 10 Posts From 2020

641 words

5 minute read

2020 has been a lot.

A lot of pain.  A lot of heartache.  An unfathomable amount of carelessness.  Of selfishness.  Of loss.  

It's also been a lot of coping.  A lot of adapting.  A lot of supporting and loving and being thankful.  It's been the year I way surpassed my original reading goal of 40 books...and managed to read 118.

[The year 2020 can be seen in gold, in front of a dark sky with fireworks going off around it]

I've also written more blog posts this year than any other.  110 to be exact.  So I wanted to take this opportunity to countdown the Top 10 (Most Viewed) Posts from 2020:

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10.  What Choking Has To Do With CP and Hormones - This one surprised me by making the list.  Just a small response to a parent blog post I happened to see last winter.

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9.  Please Keep Your Germy Mail - Love, Your High Risk Family and Friends - Honestly, it makes me angry that there was a need for a post like this in the first place, and madder still that it's in my top ten for the year.  This is just plain basic human decency.

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8.  My Thoughts on Bringing Together Parents of Kids with Disabilities and Disabled Adults - People love to talk about bringing together nondisabled parents and adults with disabilities but the truth is, it's more complicated than it seems.

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7.  When Accessing Basic Needs Is Anything But Basic - I put it all out there in this post.  I worked on this for a year.  Possibly the most important thing I've written yet.  If you don't read any other posts, please read this.

***

6.  Why Christopher Diaz's Skateboarding Fall is Important Representation for Kids with CP - This post took a lot of time and a lot of work to complete so I am really glad it's being seen.  I still feel like this episode in particular is really important - not necessarily for the end - but for the representation of how important parent-involvement is - and what message parents give to their kids.

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5.  Summer Blog Series 2020: When Nondisabled Parents Focus On Milestones - This is the fourth post in our summer blog series on CP and Therapy.  Tara and I worked on it together and I'm so glad that this post in particular is being read.  I don't think it can be overstated how important it is.

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4.  Summer Series 2020: When Everything Is Therapy - Tara and I really have wanted the opportunity to unpack and share some truths about CP and therapy.  Our summer blog series gave us the chance to do that.  I'm so glad to know that the first post in our series is being seen as much as it is.

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3.  What Is a Capacity Shift and How Does It Relate to Disability? - Tara and I wrote quite a bit together this year, and it makes me so happy to know that this post in particular made the rounds as much as it has.  Because capacity shift is so rarely understood.

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2.  We Belong (a middle grade novel) - I finished my first middle grade novel this year, about 9-year-old twins with CP who face moving and more.  I'm not going to lie, it makes me really happy that it's been viewed as much as it has.

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1.  The Bed Thing - This was wholly unexpected.  It was a post I'd written that was really just for me, to try to process a thing that happened to me as a child.  I guess it resonated.

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Did your favorite post of 2020 make the list?  Let me know in the comments.  

I hope you'll stick around in 2021, I have a lot of cool stuff planned!

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10 Years Of Tonia Says: Everything I Know About Disability Pride, I Learned From Tonia

 Thank you all so much for showing up and celebrating Tonia and Tonia Says for the last 5 weeks. She was so lucky to have such a strong and vibrant community.

I thought it would be appropriate to finish this series out with the things we've learned from Tonia and Tonia Says. Feel free to leave comments!

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[Image: Two white women -- Tonia and Tara -- wearing sunglasses posing in front of a tree. Tonia is wearing a rose-colored shirt that says Not here to please you on the neckline in script. Tara is wearing a tan bucket hat and a teal sleeveless shirt that says I BELIEVE HER. We are smiling.]

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Emery: I’m not sure when I first learned about the concept of disability pride, but I am confident that Tara and Tonia were some of the first people who empowered me to accept a disabled identity. They both reassured me repeatedly that there was no scarcity in disability, no limited space that I would be taking up and barring someone “more deserving” from occupying. They helped me personalize disability and disability pride in a way I never had before, seeing myself not just as disabled, but as disabled AND worthy - worthy of love, worthy of care, worthy of others’ time and attention.

One of my biggest regrets is that Tonia never got to see me embrace my newest diagnosis/disability - a diagnosis that, when I first mentioned to Tara that I suspected might apply to me, she replied, “I always thought you were, and so did Tonia.” 

I want you to know, Tonia: You were right. I’m Autistic. And I’m proud of it. Thanks for helping me get here.

***

[Image: A pink Post-It dated February 12, 2021 written by Tonia reads: We are worthy. No matter what. I love you.]

***

K: Tonia, you and your sister have given me such a beautiful gift. Thank you for loving me so hard and so fully, and for helping me see that CP isn't something I need to fight or transcend; it is a wonderful, inextricable part of me. Of us. When I was considering this post, I thought of this poem I wrote in the friendship journal I gave you, and I thought I'd include it with this post as a testament to you and all that you have given me. Thank you, friend, for all that you have taught me about disability pride, and love, and friendship. I carry that with me always. I love you. To you who taught me to take my imperfections and hold them close, love them hard, who taught me that these unsteady footsteps were never imperfections to begin with— all along they were beautiful, details etched within my being, within my body, within my movements that make me whole. To you who taught me that I am as perfect as I need to be I give this back now— cradle it between us, this love, this knowing, this shared identity that has knitted us together.

***

[Image: A pink Post-It dated February 15, 2021 written by Tonia reads: Hi I like you a lot and you are not too much ever ❤ Me]

***

Kayla: Friend from high school has a baby diagnosed with CP? 

Tonia Says ✔️

Friend who likes 911 and wants to write a fanfic featuring Christopher Diaz but wants guidance on how to not accidentally write a disabled character in a way that could be unintentionally offensive? 

Tonia Says ✔️

Missing my grandma and wanting to read back about how much her support meant to me with regard to advocating for my own needs as a disabled child? 

Tonia Says ✔️

Needing to rail against ableism and hear someone who voiced her frustrations in a way that aligned so harmoniously with mine? 

Tonia Says ✔️

Missing Tonia and wanting to feel closer to her? 

Tonia Says ✔️

It’s the epitome of unfair that Tonia is not here with us today, but one amazing thing is how she lives on through all of her work. Maybe that’s cheesy to say, but her writing voice is just so distinctively Tonia. Her creativity keeps me so engaged, and I can’t even adequately describe how quintessentially her it is. I’m so grateful that even though the universe decided to take her before anyone was ready, she left us with all of these beautiful gifts. She was the textbook definition of prolific. She poured her soul into everything she did. She really did teach me so much, and I believe it has not only made me a better therapist to read her work, but a more well informed person who can better practice allyship to those with disabilities that I do not share. 

What I also love is that there is Tonia content for any particular mood or situation. She didn’t shy away from the hard topics, but she didn’t shy away from joy either. She shared her whole self with us, and she changed people’s lives and opened their eyes to a new perspective that they otherwise might have never known. She did so much with so little time, and I am forever grateful for all of the time we chose to spend together. 

***

[Image: A pink Post-It dated March 15, 2021 written by Tonia reads: It's Monday -- day of supporting each other and our friends -- AKA every day ❤]

***

Tara: I think it's only fitting to finish this post with Tonia's own words, so here's a favorite work of hers that really brings everything home:

Love, CP

by Tonia M. Chistle

April 5, 2016

If we are raised
To hate a thing
That exists in us -
That we cannot change -
No matter what...

What does that do?

What does that do to our souls?
What does that do to our minds?
What does that do to our hearts?
What does that do to everything
That makes us us?

What if, instead
We are raised
To love this thing
That exists in us -
To learn to work with it
And learn, too,
All of the ways it makes us
Unique.

What if, instead
Of hating ourselves
And raging against
This part of our being -
We stopped
For just a moment...
For as long as we could stand it...
And just waited
To see
What would happen
Next?

What if, instead
Of resenting
Our very identities
We celebrated?
We passed along pride
Forged out of necessity?
Found not because we are
Arrogant,
But because we needed it
To survive?

(One.)
Count the seconds
(Two.  Three.)
With me - believe
(Four.  Five.)
For these five seconds
You are something.
You are everything.

Because when you love you
You love me.  Maybe you even
Love CP.
Because by loving you, you are loving
That little girl, and that baby boy,
Who can grow up
Differently, knowing
Different doesn't have to
Mean alone.

It means community.
It means beauty.
It means specificity.
It means belonging.
It means similarities
In stories,
In spasticities,
In our dignities.

We
Deserve
To find the truth
Buried under
All the lies.
We deserve
To love everything
That makes us us
To realize
We don't have to remake
Ourselves
To fit the image of who we
Are not.

Breathe deep
Speak.

We are not
Secrets to keep.