1,946 words
15 minute read
TW: GIF Warning
4x02, 29:19 - 27:00 remaining
TW: mention of suicide attempt
4x02, 16:18 - 14:25 remaining
4x02, 8:34 - 6:48 remaining
TW: discussion of suicide attempt / surviving a suicide attempt, internalized ableism
4x03, 51:35 - 50:19 remaining
TW: ableist language
4x03, 34:17 - 31:55 remaining
4x03, 10:18 - 9:50 remaining
***
In season 4, we see Alex beginning to explore his sexuality through his friendship and eventual relationship with classmate Winston. Though their relationship is short-lived, it is powerfully important, and Tara and I are excited to delve into some questions and discuss some moments that we see on screen.
***
In episode 4x02, we see Alex making the choice to disclose his suicide attempt and discuss his disability with Winston. This is significant because it’s the first time Alex has the chance to tell someone himself, rather than having his medical information essentially outed by family or friends while he was unconscious.
Can we talk about the complexities of disclosing disability and having our disabilities outed?
TONIA: Choosing to disclose / discuss our disabilities is a big deal.
I find, personally, that I don’t really know how to do it, because I am visibly disabled and so most people know without me telling them.
But, Tara, you’ve talked a lot about how this moment is significant for Alex.
TARA: What’s interesting is that in choosing to disclose the suicide attempt, Alex is heavily implying his disability without actually talking about it directly. Instead, he speaks indirectly about physical therapy and cane use. I love being able to see an incremental disability disclosure represented, because it feels very real.
I also appreciate Winston’s response when Alex essentially apologizes for making things awkward - “You should talk about it.” It’s not a demand, but more of an invitation for further discussion.
***
While figuring out his feelings for Winston in 4x02, we see Alex talk to Tony and ask him, “When did you know you were gay?”
It’s rare to see a disabled character on TV also exploring their sexuality. How do we feel about this?
TONIA: I feel like it’s necessary, and it’s rare. This conversation Alex has with Tony resonates with me so much more than any of the anatomical struggles Alex has post brain injury. (Even though those do make sense, having to adjust to his body being a whole new way.)
For Alex to have someone share openly with him about this stuff is vital. And we’ve seen Tony try to help Alex previously, and that it went all kinds of awkward. This is just a nice, straightforward moment between them. Tony’s not worried about protecting Alex. He’s honest and gives him the information he needs.
TARA: There is all kinds of newness being explored with Alex and Winston’s relationship! First, the ability to choose to disclose about his medical history for the first time in the series. And second, for Alex to begin to open up to the idea that maybe his sexual difficulties post-brain injury have more to do with sexuality than disability.
I agree, Tonia, I really like this exchange with Alex and Tony. I love that “13” took the time to tell this story specifically. So often, disability and sexuality exist separately, but for Alex, it’s a logical step in the character’s journey of self-discovery.
***
Also in 4x02, Alex tells Winston about how he’s not sure he’ll ever be normal. Winston replies: “What does [normal] even mean? Nobody ever actually feels normal.”
Being accepted by a classmate is really significant. Can we talk more about this?
TONIA: This exchange really resonated with me. I remember being in high school -- being the only wheelchair user in my grade who was mainstreamed -- and dealing with a lot of internalized ableism because of that, because of the way I was treated in society and at home.
I remember a day when I spoke to my first crush -- an older girl in choir class -- and while I don’t recall the content of what I said, I think it was very much along the lines of what Alex is saying -- full of self-hate for being different.
I don’t remember what I said, but I will always remember what she said back:
“Tonia, you’re not any different from anyone else. You just got wheels before the rest of us.”
When you have the freedom and space to find yourself as a disabled adult and claim your identity, it’s important to have others see that. But when you’re a kid in school, surrounded by nondisabled classmates? Their acceptance feels huge.
I still obviously knew I was disabled. She knew I was disabled. (She spent a memorable few minutes on our choir tour consensually going for a push in my wheelchair.)
She said, “You’re not any different.” I heard, “Don’t hate yourself for being different.”
It’s a big deal hearing this, especially from someone you admire, or have a crush on. It can jump start self esteem and acceptance.
So, seeing it represented on screen is absolutely a big deal, and I find myself hoping that Alex felt the same spark. That same feeling of, “Maybe things can be okay.”
Like so many other aspects of his character, this is a nuance we just don’t see.
TARA: That’s so interesting. I wonder if your reaction had to do with you having a visible disability?
TONIA: I think it was particularly to do with my age and where I was in accepting myself. I have been visibly disabled from birth, but at that point in my life had almost exclusively experienced negative reactions from people or misunderstanding.
I’d love to hear more about how the scene landed with you.
TARA: I felt this particular exchange differently.
We see Alex here walking with a limp - and to my delight, it is a more pronounced limp at dusk than it was earlier in the day, indicating fatigue. Other than the limp, though, we don’t see any obvious signs of disability. Like me, most of Alex’s remaining brain injury symptoms are invisible to passersby.
When Alex shares about not being normal? To me, he’s sharing about his identity shifting, about how he’s experiencing the world now, about his regret and grief.
Winston’s response, to me, feels a lot like unintentional minimization. He likely doesn’t have a huge understanding about the topic, and he’s trying to make Alex feel better - even tiptoeing into how “amazing” Alex is for recovering from a brain injury (inspiration p*rn) - which Alex seems happy enough to accept.
At different points in a disability acceptance journey, different things can feel comforting.
This scene also felt very authentic. I’ve definitely had conversations like these!
***
In 4x03, Alex makes it clear that he’s pretty jaded about Valentine’s Day. He says, “Who knows what love even is? We just waste so much time going through these motions of, like, romance, and Valentine’s Day is a whole day that we’re never going to get back.”
In his birthday episode, Alex spoke of his isolation, feeling pitied and profoundly misunderstood by family and friends.
Hearing Alex say this made me wonder if that is how Alex feels or felt about being loved post-brain-injury. Do we feel like Alex’s injury may have intensified this dislike of Valentine’s Day?
TONIA: Personally, I think it’s very possible!
When you spend time (however much) experiencing other people telling you they love you, but not really feeling that love because it coexists with ableism, it can make holidays that are about love difficult.
TARA: I think it’s pretty usual for people who are not in a relationship (but wish to be in one) to feel depressed or jaded about Valentine’s Day. Of course, disability is now something that Alex has to learn how to factor into all of his relationships, and new relationships can feel particularly unpredictable in this regard.
***
In 4x03, Alex and Winston go bowling -- which Alex is great at -- and Winston is not. Alex claims this is because bowling is a “lower-class sport” and Winston spent all his time learning the high-class ones.
What do we notice about this scene?
TONIA: I notice that while Winston was the one who asked to do something with Alex, they aren’t out here doing one of Winston’s high-class sports.
TARA: To be fair, there aren’t a lot of recreational polo or cricket fields in small towns!
TONIA: This is true, but I’ll take the good representation where I can find it! Haha!
It’s clear Alex suggested bowling and Winston agreed. While they joke about it, it’s clear that there was a conversation, and more than that -- there’s a respect on Winston’s part -- for Alex. And at least a passing understanding of the need to meet Alex halfway. To agree to do something he can do, rather than expecting him to jump through nondisabled hoops.
TARA: And bowling is a good, solid hangout activity.
TONIA: Also, though, bowling is hard! I’ve done it with a ramp before and the ball alone is enough to throw your balance off, even in a wheelchair.
TARA: I like seeing that Alex has figured out a way to continue to dominate at bowling. I also enjoy seeing the little details that Miles Heizer includes, such as when raising his arms over his head in victory, his left (affected) arm is slightly lower than his right, indicating continued issues with proprioception, and possibly range of motion or weakness.
TONIA: These are things I’ve never noticed! So glad you pointed them out!
 |
| [Image: While bowling, Winston looks at Alex and says: "Cool." Alex smiles.] |
Also in 4x03, we see Alex and Winston making out in the school hallway during the Valentine’s Day dance. Alex hesitates briefly, and Winston checks for consent. Alex says, “It is [okay]. I just… I’ve never… You know, I’m not really sure if I’m --”
Winston interrupts, “Alex. You’re Alex, right?”
Alex says, “Well, yeah.”
Winston responds, “That’s all I care about. You want to stop?”
Alex goes in for another kiss.
Let’s discuss this scene.
TARA: First, I love that Winston is not insisting that Alex label himself so early in his self-discovery journey. There is something so powerful and safe in him simply allowing Alex to be himself and explore as himself.
TONIA: Yes! We see -- though we don’t see a lot of Winston -- that this is consistent with his character. His only previous sexual partner (on screen) said: “I’m not gay,” and Winston responded, “You can be whatever you want.”
TARA: Secondly, can we talk about the clear and repeated checks for consent on Winston’s part? Disabled individuals are very often victims of sexual abuse, with abuse rates as high as 90%. We are often regarded as objects instead of people, who are raised in a culture of compliance instead of autonomy. Seeing Winston check and recheck for consent matters. As we’ve said throughout this series, media teaches people how to treat those in marginalized groups. Well-done to “13” for this scene.
TONIA: Yes! The sexual assault rate in the disabled community averages 80-90% as opposed to 17-25% statistic we often hear quoted in reference to the nondisabled population. (See Imani Barbarin’s hashtag #4OutOf5 for more on this.)
On a show that consistently normalizes consent-checks (from multiple characters), it’s vital that this extends to Alex.
I’m so glad to see that’s the case here.
***
Have you seen 13 Reasons Why on Netflix?
Did reading our conversation about Alex's relationship with Winston help you realize anything or notice anything you hadn't registered before?
We'd love to hear from you in the comments.
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