2,252 words
17 minute read
TW: GIF warning
mention of emotional abuse
Spoilers for Seasons 2 through 4 of 13 Reasons Why
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We’re back!
Yes, we know that this was technically our Summer Blog Post Series, but we needed to take a break, to come back to the last few topics fresh! Thanks for your patience! (Shoutout to Heather for your recent feedback - it really helped!)
This week, we will be discussing the nuanced representation of outbursts and brain injury in 13 Reasons Why, and why this representation matters to us on a personal level.
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We had an interesting conversation while discussing ideas for this post where we remembered an interaction we had after Tara’s brain injury. For context, this was the late 90s. There was no media representation - no Alex Standalls to refer to - in order to get insight into this specific experience – what some might call an “outburst.” What do we want to share about this time?
TONIA: In the months after your brain injury, I offered to help you with your homework. At 16, my understanding of what happened to you was quite simplistic. I knew you struggled in the areas I could see (reading and writing, to name a couple.) So, I read questions for you and asked what you wanted the answer to be. You kept saying: “I don’t know.”
TARA: And I think I kept getting more and more frustrated each time I said it, right?
TONIA: Probably! And I didn’t take those cues…
TARA: And at this point, I didn’t have a ton of mobility, so I spent the majority of my day in common rooms. I did PT in the family room, OT and schoolwork at the kitchen table. There was usually a TV on in the next room. Someone talking on the phone somewhere, and just the noise of six other people in the house - one being a toddler. Not a quiet place for cognitive work!
Needless to say, it’s a safe guess that I was struggling with filtering at this point as well as depression. You mentioned that I kept responding, “I don’t know” to your questions. You also said that I may have said, “It doesn’t matter.”
At that point, we didn’t know anything about aphasia. Now, I can say that “I don’t know” is a really common filler phrase when I’m overloaded. It’s something I can say in the moment that buys time. “It doesn’t matter” really feels like it’s depression-related to me. (As in, “School is insignificant because everything has changed, and I don’t know what to do.”)
Tonia, how did you interpret my responses to your questions as a 16-year-old with no context about communication disorders or brain injuries?
TONIA: I was frustrated.
Growing up disabled, I took your brain injury in stride and with the context I’d been given about my own CP: “Tonia’s just like everyone else, she just uses a walker,” (at the time.) So, I thought, “Tara’s still the same. She’s still herself. She just has a brain injury.” To me, this meant you struggled with headaches, with the trauma of surgery, and with various physical tasks, like I mentioned above.
I had no idea your communication had been impacted. So, I thought you were just kind of over it? Like, you didn’t want to do homework, and I was being a big pain in your butt by talking about it.
TARA: You interpreted my attempts at communication as noncompliance. As passive-aggression. Is that right?
TONIA: Yes.
TARA: What happened next?
TONIA: So, I’d read aloud from a textbook and then ask you what you wanted me to write down for your answer. I kept asking, because I wasn’t getting an answer. Eventually, I was like, “Just pick something.”
And I believe you said: “You pick something.”
And I was like: “...This isn’t my homework…” We had essentially ground to a halt, and I was exasperated. I snapped: “I’m trying to help you!”
And what did you say?
TARA: “YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING TO HELP ME!”
TONIA: And then, I left. Because my feelings were hurt.
But do you want to say anything about how you may have felt in that moment? (I know you don’t necessarily remember this firsthand…)
TARA: I don’t remember anything about this night in particular aside from the last two sentences - what you said and how I responded.
I remember feeling, as a rule, completely deadened when it came to emotions. I suspect now that I was dissociating as a coping mechanism, so everything just felt far away and unreal, but it ached at the same time? Very few things were able to get through to me emotionally. But this moment was one of them.
TONIA: It got through to you? How so?
TARA: I think because you were being authentic with me, instead of masking your feelings? Your authenticity broke through to me and triggered my authenticity, I think.
TONIA: Because, let’s be real, I wasn’t helping you by badgering you endlessly…
TARA: You’re referring to what I said?
TONIA: Yes. You mentioned it triggered your authenticity. Is that not what you meant? Your response that I hadn’t done anything to help you?
TARA: I meant that you reached me on an emotional level, past dissociation and depression. In that moment, when I responded to your words, I felt such a strong rush of adrenaline. I think the term is “flooded,” when you are flooded by stress hormones? Prior to this, I had a very even keel. I may have felt overwhelmed, but I rarely reacted to it. However, due to my new injury, I was much more uninhibited in certain moments.
So, that’s the memory I have of this exchange. A few words. And a huge rush of emotion.
TONIA: So, can I ask… What did you mean when you said I hadn’t done anything to help you? Is that what you meant to say?
TARA: I’m sure I felt like maybe you weren't being particularly helpful in that moment. But the overriding feeling that I’d meant to convey was, “I don’t think anyone can help me.”
TONIA: So, you were feeling helpless? Or hopeless, maybe?
TARA: Yes, and just sort of useless too.
TONIA: Oof. I’m so sorry about that. Thanks for trusting me.
While you were writing this response, I found a note you wrote me around that time. Less than five months after your brain injury. I feel like it is, in part, a direct response to this interaction we’d had. Is it okay to share an excerpt?
TARA: Sure.
TONIA: So, you wrote:
...Accepting help is hard for me lately. I feel like a huge dork cuz you know so much more than me! I don’t know what else to do except act like the dork that I feel like. It’s no excuse, I know. …I love you with all my heart and soul – but I resent you, too.
TARA: I remember writing that. It felt cathartic to finally be able to express myself - to say what I meant to say.
TONIA: Honestly, same. I felt encouraged reading your note, because it felt like after months of isolation from each other, we were beginning to connect again.
TARA: But how did our homework exchange that night affect you, Tonia?
TONIA: I felt like…if I can be frank…
TARA: Please.
TONIA: I was right there with you feeling helpless, hopeless and useless. I felt like there was nothing I could do that would make things any easier or better for you.
And honestly, that feeling persisted for about 15 years. It really impacted our relationship, until we were able to have our first conversation about this exchange.
TARA: Because we didn’t know what we were dealing with, disability-wise. We didn’t have representation of any kind.
TONIA: And more than that we didn’t have any adults in our world (the medical community or otherwise) who knew how brain injuries felt, or how they actually impacted people. You had no idea all the ways it impacted you, so you couldn’t communicate that to me.
TARA: And that really damaged our relationship for a long time, until we started investigating things for ourselves. Finding the words. Eventually, seeing some media representation…
TONIA: Yes, the media representation came about 20 years later…and it wasn’t good. But the one good thing it did was that it got us talking. For the first time, we really discussed aphasia. And I realized your brain injury does impact your ability to communicate. And that you can’t always say what you mean.
TARA: I think that’s a huge reason why these posts and media representation means so much to us. I’d love to circle back to this exchange as we continue to discuss Alex and 13RW.
TONIA: Definitely. I’d love that.
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| [Alex: I'm sorry I'm not fucking normal, Dad! I know that's so hard for you!] |
13RW does something interesting in that it normalizes the concept of teen boys having outbursts of emotion. Prior to Alex’s injury in episode 1x06, he has a loud confrontational outburst with another student.
Post-injury, Alex’s outbursts are acknowledged and deescalated. Can we talk about the novel way people in Alex’s life react to his communication?
TONIA: Well, it is definitely novel! Even in recent years, so-called outbursts by disabled characters in the media are responded to with nothing short of abuse. Seeing calm responses is groundbreaking.
Are there any specific scenes you want to discuss, Tara?
TARA: There’s a scene at the end of the camping trip episode (4x04) that I found particularly interesting. In it, the seniors are passing a conch shell (deemed the “sharing shell”) around as they take turns talking around the campfire. When it’s Alex’s turn, his friends quietly worry that he is going to confess to Bryce’s murder. Instead, he confesses to really hating camping. He then throws the shell at a nearby tree, where it shatters. The seniors and chaperones laugh.
It’s a relatively small scene, but the framing of it feels like a big deal. I can easily envision an alternate version of this scene, where the reaction to Alex throwing the shell is disapproval - where he is shepherded away to calm down. Instead, the throwing of the shell was taken as a legitimate expression supporting the words Alex said.
More than that, this moment was received with humor, which is rare cross-culturally.
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Something we say often between ourselves is “behavior is communication.” We’ve also discussed the concept of “self advocacy” recently and how it’s quite restrictive. But can we discuss how Alex’s outbursts are often actually advocacy?
TONIA: Yes, self-advocacy is often viewed through a narrow lens. Attempts at self-advocacy are often dismissed because of a disabled person’s loudness or intensity. But often if we are soft and quiet, we aren’t believed or taken seriously. Our advocacy has to be loud in order to “make a dent.”
TARA: There are many moments in the series which do portray Alex loudly and demonstratively self-advocating. (I’m recalling 2x01, where he asked his mother to see his note.) I love that 13RW shows that imperfect self-advocacy is still legitimate communication and can be taken as such.
TONIA: Yes, I agree!
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We think it’s also very important to point out that not ALL of Alex’s outbursts are advocacy. There are a couple of times when (because of steroid use) he is quite intimidating and emotionally abusive. Can we talk more about this nuanced representation?
TONIA: No human being is one-dimensional. Alex is no exception. His drug use definitely contributes to him being confrontational in a way that is abusive. I honestly really appreciate that these nuances are shown. Because then we see that Alex is not just solely “good” or solely “bad”, he’s some of both, as everyone is.
TARA: In 3x07, Alex confronts Jessica. He towers over her as she sits, intimidates her and yells at her publicly. As Tonia said, we get to see nuance over the course of the series, with regard to brain injury representation, which remains a rare thing.
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Alex having outbursts does not change throughout the series. It’s people’s reactions to him that are noteworthy and which create novel disability representation. What do we hope audiences take away from watching a show like “13” in terms of outbursts as communication.
TONIA: I hope it will help people widen their scope of what they deem “acceptable” communication and kind of get out of their own way a bit, in terms of preconceived notions and ideas. (I say this as someone who regularly comes up against my own in our interactions.) Not everyone’s communication looks the same. And it’s a good reminder to listen to what the other person is saying and not how they’re saying it.
TARA: I hope that it helps people to see different ways to react to loud, blunt, and demonstrative communication. That it’s possible to deescalate these moments by taking the time to hear and respond to the message, as opposed to tone-policing its delivery.
TONIA: Oof. Yes. Thanks for talking about this with me!
TARA: Of course! I love it!
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Have you seen 13 Reasons Why on Netflix?
Did reading our conversation about Alex and outbursts help you realize anything or notice anything you hadn't registered before?
We'd love to hear from you in the comments.
![[Kayla (right) as a young child, posing with her mom (left). Kayla is smiling, and they're holding a stuffed animal between them.]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjM8LZ92FVLTo-tVOWa_2wCEluDD-C8BdgJRT-U6F-io1grL29nj_gmwtR_bkLFib1zmq4ovbko13hu7Q54EFZdUMc14JvhFDe_ytqFbHTfkcnvGU_lP0upy33LVsvtkVeKNBQADUD6WBhbVqYXc2duKtED__7Z04WgE6_ci5CinaAT2pq1t7j-hqORqw=w240-h320)
