What is Performative Niceness and How Does It Relate to Disability?

883 words

7 minute read

Ever since last month, when we discussed Capacity Shift together, Tara and I had been ruminating on another twin blog post together.  Then, tonight, we watched Crip Camp on Netflix (so good!), and heard this quote, by Jim LeBrecht, which got us up and rolling:

“I depend on my mother for some things.  So, I can’t really fight her as hard as I wish I could. [I depend on her for] some of the things like, just everybody else depends [on] their parents for, like laundry and stuff.  But, like, she’s the person who orders special supplies when I’ll need it and stuff.  And if I’m in a position where I’m not able to do something, you know, like she’s gonna have to do it.  So, like, if you keep on bugging her, fighting her constantly, there’s gonna be a time she’s gonna be very reluctant.”

Tonight, we want to discuss performative niceness.

***

What is performative niceness?

Tonia:  Performative niceness is where disabled people must soften ourselves for the comfort of nondisabled people.

Tara: More specifically, I think performative niceness is a human instinct.  People are more likely to care for or about someone who is, in a word, nice.  So, some disabled people can and do “perform” niceness for a cause.

[In the summer of 2018, Tara and I got stranded at the hair salon when the cab service's computer system crashed.  The picture at the top shows us unsmiling and annoyed.  The picture at the bottom?  We have put on smiles.]

***

Why do disabled people engage in performative niceness?

Tonia: Often, I find it’s connected with fulfillment of our basic needs.  We may need to rely on someone because they provide a necessary service.

Tara: Yes.  We - members of the disability community - do this to attempt to secure services for ourselves. Due to widespread harmful attitudes about disability like ignorance or pity, these services are not seen as basic human rights. Instead, they are viewed as something extra. Something to be done out of charity, goodness or kindness. And on the flip side, these services are something that can be refused, withheld, or done in an abusive manner.

Performative niceness can play into a Good Samaritan’s narrative - doing a good deed for someone (nice) who is in need.  It can also sometimes be our only weapon against abuse.

***

What is an example of performative niceness?

Tara: Most often, my performative niceness shows in smiling or being silent or dismissing the ableism of a service provider. (And the service provider could be literally anyone - a friend, a family member, or a professional of some sort.)  I also often feel that I “owe” service providers my medical diagnoses when they ask, again as a sort of “payment.”

Tonia:  Maybe you remember the time I dropped Mother’s Day flowers upside down on the ground? And had to agree to let a horrible pity voiced lady carry them home?  Yeah.  That happened.

***

Does engaging in performative niceness make disabled people manipulative or horrible? Why or why not?

Tonia: It definitely can feel gross.  But I get the feeling that a lot of disabled people know exactly what we’re speaking of, and have had to do it ourselves.

Tara: I think it makes us resourceful, trying to get our needs met.

***

Do you consider performative niceness to be a survival strategy?

Tara: Absolutely, though it can be a dehumanizing one. If we spend long periods performing niceness, we are also repressing our natural personalities, thoughts and feelings as a sort of “payment” for these basic services.

Tonia: I agree. yes, absolutely!

It is linked to basic needs and often we are in the position where we must take help when it’s offered.  We cannot be choosy.  We cannot afford to alienate people, even if we find them offensive, because we might require their help to survive day to day.

***

In your opinion, could performative niceness be connected in any way to the fawn trauma response? 

Tara: I feel like it definitely has the potential to be connected.

For those who are unfamiliar, the fawn response is one of four responses people may have to trauma. (The other three are fight, flight and freeze.) The fawn response is to “manage a state of danger or potential danger [through pleasing].” So, in those more volatile or potentially volatile situations, I can definitely see the parallel. But I’m not a psychologist!

Tonia:  Ooh, this is fascinating.  And I definitely think it’s possible!

In essence, during performative niceness we are demonstrating or playing into nondisabled people’s ideas of disabled people.  I know that I get very grateful.  Very smiley.  Very polite.  Even if I dislike how the person is talking to me, or what they’re doing.

It’s imperative to make the nondisabled person feel good about helping us, so they will want to help again, even if it makes us feel gross.

The bottom line is survival, for me at least.

If staying alive means accepting help from someone I’d rather not, then that’s what it means.

***

Have you ever had to engage in performative niceness to get your basic needs met?  How did it feel?

Let us know in the comments.

***

Don't forget to connect on Facebook / Twitter / Instagram