938 words
7 minute read
ABOUT BELONGING
(Jesse)
TW: Internalized Ableism
At church the next day, it’s so obvious that Lexie and I are fighting that the Sunday school teacher comes to talk to us right away.
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| [Image: A white church in the snow] |
We've been back here a few more times, but Lexie hasn't told me if she's gotten to ask Emma any questions about CP. I haven't asked because we're always around kids in Sunday school (including Sophia) so I can't. I also haven't told Sophia I can't be in her club anymore...when I sort of promised Mom I wouldn't be...and when it's basically ruining everything with Lexie.
By now, I’m using crutches and Lexie has her walker. But we both still get tired fast. But Lexie won’t look at me and that means I can’t get any messages to her when we’re around other people, since I can’t talk then.
Right away, I see what Lexie means by Emma walking like us. And having crutches like Lexie. It kind of makes me embarrassed that Emma comes over to us. I don’t want extra attention for being different.
“Hey, guys,” Emma greets. “Need to talk?”
“Yes,” Lexie agrees.
Emma talks to Mom quietly. Mom nods her head and Emma does, too. Finally Emma and Lexie are going toward a room on the side of the sanctuary, where the parents usually go with babies who cry a lot. It has a sliding door like a deck door so people can see in, but they can’t hear through it, so there’s privacy.
I follow, and I’m almost afraid Lexie is going to push me out, but she leaves the door open to one of the rooms that’s not being used.
“What’s up?” Emma asks, once she’s sitting down. Once we all are.
“Do you have CP?” I ask, surprising all of them, but sometimes, it’s easier to talk to just one new person at a time, especially if it’s an adult, like Evan, my nurse at the hospital. I’m still nervous talking to people, just not to Emma, not right now. “I know, it’s kinda rude to ask, but I have it, too.”
“I do, yeah,” Emma nods.
“Me, too,” Lexie agrees. There’s quiet for a minute and then she blurts out, “Jesse joined a secret club with our cousins, and one of them kept calling me names and saying I could never even join.”
“Oh. That sounds hard,” Emma comments. She looks at me. “You wanted to join their club?”
I nod, miserable.
“Why?” Emma asks. “It sounds like one of your cousins isn’t very nice.”
“Well, our other cousins - our main friends - they joined. I don’t have that many friends. I didn’t wanna lose them.”
“Neither do I…” Lexie speaks up, hurt.
“Yeah, but everybody likes you. You make friends so easily!” I say.
“People are nice to me. Sometimes. They talk to me. But that doesn’t make us friends. I thought you got that,” Lexie explains.
“No,” I admit. “It’s hard for me to make friends. Hard for me to talk, even. I just wanted to fit in. Be like everybody else.”
“Your cousin… Did she let you in for free? Or were there things you had to do?” Emma asks.
“Give her my candy, and not eat any. Talk. And get all the way better from surgery. So I wouldn’t need anything to help me walk,” I share.
“How did that feel?” Emma wonders. “Did it feel like they accepted you for who you are?”
“No, it felt bad. Like I wasn’t good enough,” Jesse tells them. “But I still wanted to. Even though Sophia talked bad about Lexie. And was mean to me.” I wipe my eyes. “I’m horrible,” I decide.
“No,” Emma answers kindly. “You’re human. Humans need connection. We need community. People like us, so we know we’re not alone in the world. You two have each other, but sometimes it can help to see there are more of us.”
“Like you?” Lexie asks soft.
Emma nods.
“Hey… Did your mom ever feel disappointed in you after you had a surgery?” Lexie asks Emma.
“Wow…” Emma answers. “I’m honestly not sure. But if you’re feeling that way, and if you feel safe talking to your Mom about it, you should.”
“What if she really is disappointed in us?” I worry.
“What I’m about to tell you is a really hard thing to learn, and it’s harder to remember: You are enough, just the way you are right now. Our CP is a part of us, and we shouldn’t have to change it, or hide it. Our anxiety,” (here, she looks at me) “is a real thing, and we need support and kindness, not threats. Not being left out.”
“That’s not an answer,” Lexie points out.
“Well, if your mom is disappointed in you, know that her feeling is about her. And know that you have people who do accept and love you for all of who you are - CP included.”
“Like who?” I ask.
“Like me,” Lexie tells me.
“And me,” Emma chimes in. “The important thing is to find your people, and let them build you up.”
“Kids,” Mom calls softly.
I see Lexie raise her eyebrows at Emma.
Emma waves Mom inside. She shuts the door behind her.
Question for Discussion:
Emma says it's important to know there are people out there who love Jesse and Lexie for all of who they are - CP included. Who loves you for all of who you are - including your disabilit(ies)?
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